Purple Hustle

invictus

2010-07-25T19:45:00.000+08:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

2010-07-16T23:23:00.002+08:00

all.turning.for.the.worse?

2010-04-23T19:03:00.001+08:00

stumbled upon this while i was browsing through profiles of ex-Beattyians.

“Lollipops turn into cigarettes.
The innocent ones turn into sluts.
Homework goes in the trash.
Mobile phones are being used in class.
Detention becomes suspension.
Soda becomes vodka.
Bikes become cars.
Kisses turn into sex.
Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground?
When protection meant wearing a helmet?
When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties?
Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and Mom was your hero?
Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest.
War was only a board game.
And the only drug you knew was cough medicine.
The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees,
and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?
And we couldn’t wait to grow up?”
-Author Unknown

2010-03-16T03:15:00.002+08:00

And so, Beckham's World Cup dreams are shattered.
.

Another one of those moments where you think you have it, only to have it robbed away from you in the end.

Why?

To test our strength in character.

To see if we deserve better...

(or at least, i'd like to see it that way)

:)

13,14 March

2010-03-13T16:09:00.002+08:00

And so, here ends my Minor in Entrepreneurship course.
:)

its been a real bittersweet process.
but i appreciate it all the same.
wait.

IM supposed to be finishing my final reflections for the module.

and yet, here I am.
revisiting. revamping my blog. :)

I miss my entries.

.redha.
accepting that some things are not meant to be.

no matter how selfish we think we can be, some things are never meant for us.

.
im so looking forward to the walkabout photoshoot later. :)
.

and my photography business?

vavavoom.

lets go!
.

oh. is love for another enough to sustain a marriage?
is it all there is to it?
no.
hell no.

ure gaining much more than that.
u have His Love.
.

God, spare me all that is evil, and let me be near all that is good.

Amin.

:)

beep

2009-05-22T21:14:00.003+08:00

...

*dialtone*

"hello... i wont talk to you right now, so leave me a message or an sms, and maybe ill get back to you..."

*beep*

...

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the state of my mind right now.

parts.of.influence

2009-04-08T23:41:00.003+08:00

No matter how strong and right we think we are, the thing that still holds true and steady would be the fact that our weaknesses define us still.

It is the foundations that hold us to stand, and no matter how high our ego or success manage to reach, it would not be possible without them.

Different parts, acting in different roles.

For some we are strong, but in others we are weak.

...

...

A tribute to all who have made a major impact to the way I am.

Family - Over the years, they have embedded in me some of the more hard yet silent qualities. To know what is right and what is wrong. To know God. To know the meaning of responsibilities. To lead, by example. They provide the meaning of why i live. Not through explicit lessons, but rather through how we function, no matter how imperfect or flawed it might be through others' eyes.

Nyai & my late Yayi - Letting me have some leeway in reveling in both the consciousness of creativity and restrictions. Being my second set of parents in my earlier childhood.

Uncles & Aunts - Manja points, especially my Cik Mai. Window to conversations and public discourses.

Friends - Contributed to the Manifestations of my Being and Ideals. Providers, and Platforms. Pillars of support, and channels of the different polars of emotions, good or bad.

The Geng - Opened up my mind further to God and the meaning of love, siblinghood and family.

Nur - Accepted me as the way I am, both my flaws and weaknesses as they are. Loving, and supporting me. The one whom I find as company, and my critic. Another important manja point, but with her, Im more of the patient one. My fellow photography enthusiast. Hopefully, my future business partner. And definitely, my partner for life. :)

.
Thank you, one and all.

dramatic.mockery

2009-04-01T07:28:00.004+08:00

Humans being social creatures, thrive on drama. Even when they do not need that in their lives.
The very act of being inflicted in the extreme ends, and the adrenaline flow of which it bellows by, thrills us.
We mock out of boredom, and we misplace seriousity onto the seemingly practical and urgent.
We play, out of sport, and we seek the high of watching the game.
We want trouble, and we revel in it.
Not just to ourselves, but even to those whom we are supposedly close to.
To be involved, reaffirms one's existence.
To be left out, tells of one's solitude, which at the current time, is unfashionable.
Some sway to the wind, without even knowing why.
And some reprimand others, for not going according to their ideals.
Do we even realise that the end will always be about kissing the dust?
That is lying in between the grimy and sticky surfaces of your toes.
Life is a joke, for some.
Life is a shithole, for others.
While the rest think that it is part of a bigger journey to somewhere better.

No one is sure, are we not?

We celebrate the existence of those we know, by their birthdays, or deathdays.
Random dates are made significant, just so we make ourselves feel grounded and sure.

.

Happy 23rd Birthday Rushdy.
I hope you get what you want. :)

.

For others, who are still fucked, and screwed, by whatever pawns and obstacles God decide to throw onto you, expect to be toyed around still.

At the end of it all, we are still fucked, and to those who thinks they know more and better,
GO FUCK YOURSELF.

:)

Good morning all.
hurr hurr hurr~

papa.kena.curik

2009-03-30T22:12:00.002+08:00

27th March 2009

27/03/09
27 divide 03 equals to 09

.
ill not forget the night ever. :)

papa.jahat :P

.

.

oh.
and someone desperate took off with my camou-etnies yesterday.

:(

empty.vessel

2009-03-24T15:50:00.001+08:00

"The empty vessel makes the loudest noise."

The conventional method of interpreting the social meaning of this phrase would to assume that the empty vessel refers to someone who has the minimum of substance, content or intellect.

Obviously, society has little tolerance for this group of people, and presumably so, views upon its views as unworthy or as "noise".

Those that are deemed less knowing, are thought of to be ones who always have things to say, but lack substantial claims.

Now, try twisting the peribahasa on itself, and look at it from an entirely different perspective.

The empty vessel is not some who is "stupid" but rather, someone who knows that he does not know.

He makes "noise", not because he has nothing good to say, but because he questions the things that he is not sure of, and sometimes, a seemingly innocent question will ruffle the nerves of those being questioned, because his answers would be a measure of his "intellect" and status.

Most of the time, people assume that they know everything, and the worse part is that, they would not admit that they do not know.

"Tak tau tanye, jangan bodoh sombong." (ask any of yr Malay speaking friends)

It is only by asking, that we know more.

Good morning. :)

fry.day

2009-03-20T19:39:00.002+08:00

Friday.
The meaning of the phrase,"Thank God it's Friday" has been diluted tremendously for me, since the last few months.
I am spending my "Friday" in the 11th storey of the National Library, trying to make sense of the world.

Please... Unchain me. (to whoever or whatever)

...

Khairi so emo one. why ah?

i also dunno why, damnit.

satu.malam

2009-03-17T14:42:00.004+08:00

a short, simple get-away.
to a world where the edges are rougher, and where order is given a thorough mocking.
tastes are much more down to earth, and they make do with less.
they strive to make it perfect, though it can be seen that no matter, it would always be otherwise.
much as how the reminders of an ambitious sprit lay in waste, frozen, against the backdrop of rolling hills of make-do slums.
cynicism of the human spirit can only sum up so far.
different faces, to the different boundaries set to them.

the first: the resigned.
think of those who force children to play the card of sympathy and compassion, in getting a few wads of handouts.

the second: chained, are those whose spirits are indeed trapped by their physical lackings.
think of blind mothers, led to live and move by their young sons.
think of those whose limbs are not there.

the third: optimists
think of the those who hold the positive spirit to go on and strive for betterment.
masseuses who went for training in foot reflexology.
buskers who entertain street diners, with the most sincerest of smiles and demeanour.

.

foot.reflexology seemingly doing wonders.
but is it?
after a prolonged session of pain, it is only logical that once it stops, the relief is quite magnified.

while we had fun,
someone somewhere couldnt sleep because someone is somewhere else.

:)

postin.settin.layou

2009-03-14T14:25:00.002+08:00

was.finding.the.sun

one.image

my. love

i.want.to.be.free
.
no rules.
no restrictions.
unchained.
.
its no wonder Satan attracts us.

imagine yrself in a world without boundaries, to stand back on.

.
i want both worlds.
i want meaning. yet i abhor the limits it set.

.

lie.flirt.die

2009-03-09T00:49:00.004+08:00

i found my dog-tag, while rummaging through my army duffel bag.

i was surprised to find that i was not at all surprised when i read the news about the second unnatural death that has happened in NTU within one week.

death, it seems, is becoming the easy way out for the desperate, or, perhaps, those with nothing to lose.

what might exactly be going on in their heads?

"too sad/desperate/sick to do anything else?"

.
death has become a trivial issue, and though it is something that all of us would inevitably face at the end of it all, some, sadly or otherwise, has decided to make death as an option.

.
we lie, because we care.
we lie, because we are polite.
we lie, because ... ... we do not have the guts to see our loved one... suffer. (infrontofus)

.
they flirt, because they can. ;)

.

he.hung.out.with.me

shy.sun

platter

timely.reminder

2009-03-08T18:27:00.002+08:00

the following would be the the flow of topics that i managed to indulge in after my last graveyard shift, or minimally at least, things that i can still remember.
something to remind you, we, like it or not, tend to forget. and this does not only apply to the malays.

weight loss.
weight gain.
BMT.
course of study.
sociology.
why is it that when people queue up, they would have to follow so closely with the person in front?
why is there a garden right smack in the middle of KLIA, with rumours saying that it is a Keramat?
haunting experiences in the storeroom by mr shai.
BMT bunks having those amulets.
mr isa's bunk specially had real amulets of the major faiths in singapore.
the ghosts of Eagle Company.
Djins
Third Eye
Qarin
Djin Afrik (isit the right spelling?)
Djin - a race of creation that for them, death only happens when the world ends.
Djin - there are approximately 40 Djins to every human being.
Djin - Qarin. A Djin that is born to replicate you in the supernatural world. The only Qarin of a human that is Muslim is that of our Prophet pbuh.
Narration of the personal Mecca Incidences that happened to mr isa.
Discussion of how a man's measure of good deeds against his sins are unknown.
Story of the heavily sinned man who made the trip to another city, in order to repent, but died along the way, and how we was measured. distance covered in journey was used as a measure for him. Allah is Merciful.
"Who are your brothers?" - a question that is asked to the dead man in his grave - indicating the importance of others other than yourself in this world. it also indicates our purpose and reason for being alive on this earth. and that is to perform our roles as the khalifahs (leaders) of the whole of creation and amongst ourselves.
Balance of the pursuing of both the spiritual and the worldly is important.
In the days that you live, act as if that youre going to die tomorrow.
Change, even though a must, should not be immediate. gradual change is encouraged. while slow, it is more lasting in effect.
never act when ure angry. what was said and done when ure angry, was not said and done by u per se, but was whispered into by those that is directed to sway us. remain calm.

...

thank u, bro isa.

why?

2009-02-27T18:02:00.002+08:00

as much as how we regularly hear someone say that we learn better about ourselves and others when we ask questions,

who'd admit that they had actually thought about it.

.

the white rabbit in us keeps going into the hole, that we refuse to go back and see the light at the entrance, or at least, get out to see how the entrance of the hole look like.

or what is lying just beside the hole.

ask.
and ask further.

u'd be surprised with how much power a solo syllable word which is "why" can do for you.

its 610pm. and i shud get back going home.

im working the graveyard shift tonight.
.

now. where is my spade.

.

Oh, and Nur my love...
Yesterday was one of my most enjoyable moments with you.

Really.
And thats all that i want to say.

:P

identified.citizen

2009-02-25T23:28:00.003+08:00

So much for building a "Singaporean identity"...

I do not believe in letting our aged parents live out the rest of their shriveled and shrunken lives in the care of outsiders from their own immediate offspring.

This is of course, refering to the comment made by the one responsible in overseeing healthcare issues for CITIZENS of Singapore.

While my own moral grounding and socialization processes has led me to adopt such an attitude, i do not find it a worthwhile burden in imposing such a view on others, in view of the fact that in this country, diversity of thought and social attitudes are best dealt with in the basis of mutual respect and tolerance.

What i wish to bring up here, is in fact, not something which occured to my grey matter on its own, but rather by the mention of a lecturer of mine, on the concept of NATION-STATE.

To put it simply for the sake of convenience and to avoid heavy reading, the deal between a CITIZEN, and the STATE is such that both parties are in a position of reciprocal exchange. While one party gives something, the other party should give something else in return.

If not, what is the point of persuading Singaporeans to retain the red passport instead of any other colour?

Thanks to my lecturer, the concept of the nation-state and the citizen has been subtly made into an unintended farce unknowingly by the one who made the comment of suggesting that those who wish to put their parents in a nursing home to do so across the ancient Causeway instead of Singapore if they deem that it is too expensive to do so.

Figures mentioned in the press identified the cost to be half of putting them in a local nursing home. Does that justify the suggestion to the citizen to go somewhere else for a service which his own home country can provide?

To apply this to another situation, imagine the country which you have worked so hard for through the paying of taxes, or by going through the mandatory military training in the name of "Total Defence", is to announce that if youre too poor to get a decent education in Singapore, then go somewhere else to get one because youre not worth the effort. Luckily, the situation has not reached to that level. But lets not be too surprised if one day that is to happen.

Obviously, it would be quite an impossible task to measure meal by meal the individual reciprocation processes out there to ascertain if it is equal. But in suggesting that we go somewhere else to get something which some people find is a need, it would make them think twice of letting themselves be "contracted" to an entity for the rest of their lives. Perhaps in the long-term, the intelligent ones would just leave and settle elsewhere instead, which would leave the country facing a brain drain.

I cannot help but to feel that they have indeed envisioned this to happen, and that is why, we have in recent times experienced the presence of foreigners being increased in our everyday lives. They are doing so much to attract all these "talented and cheap" people in, that lesser is being done to make those who have already contributed so much to the country from going out.

Go "Global", they say. But please, not at the expense of the locals.

But then you might want to rebut,"Get real boy. It is every man for himself out there. Do not expect the government to do everything for you.." The concept of "survival of the fittest" rules the roost... yada yada yada.

This sort of thinking will only encourage more individualism thinking amongst us, and in the long run, nothing is worth defending for, other than the stash of material things you have, in the name of comfort for yourself and your brood, and not for others, who might be in a more strangled state. Being selfish will be the norm, and at the end of it all, life as we know it will be more f***ed than ever.

.
Oh. And i still hold this view. One day, Singapore can only be inhabited by those who are rich, as long as the people that fills the highest governing offices adopt this mentality.

.
ok2. enuf of this talk. lets move on to something else.

.
I had a blast of a time walking in a heavy downpour just now, right in the middle of decently constructed nature, no less. Without an umbrella or a poncho.

I felt at one, with nature. Even though the pair of pair of jeans doubled its weight because it soaked up too much water, and that my bag got drenched, along with every thing inside except my lappie (amazingly).

I cannot forget the boyish and childlike feeling, of having water flowing down the hill, going against my uncovered foot.

yeah yeah. childish, u say.

let me just say this: i grab the little things while i still can, lest one day i will be too focused on the big things to notice them.

.

its been a while since ive seen nur. hmm. wait. its only been two days. and already, i miss her like crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. how. how???!!!

tahan lorh.

. i cant wait for the next time where i can just be by her side.

:) aah.

aikido.fan

2009-02-25T01:46:00.003+08:00

A very dear friend of mine, whom ive known for about 8 years now, has reached the age of a quarter of a century today.

His name is Suhaimi, and he lives very near from me.

Though it has been quite a while since we last hanged out regularly, due to our other commitments, due to an impromptu whim on my part, we spent the first few ungodly hours having a stroll in yishun park.

Yeah. People who know me should know by now, how forgetful i am with dates, and birthdays.

Guess it was a pure stroke that i chose today to spend a little bit of time with you, on your birthday, no less.

This may not be much, but just know that its been great having you around in my life, and i appreciate all the memories we shared together, be it in school or wherever.

:)

Happy Birthday... tua!
:P

why.so.serious

2009-02-22T19:28:00.003+08:00

laughing is supposedly good for us.
it brings the happiness, or excitement within us, to more climactic display, where others can see, and hopefully join u in the act.
some view it as a form of pressure reliever, while others think that laughing is the link for two persons of different worlds to bond together without the help of language.
its good and all, especially when ure indulging in a series of laughters.
for those particular minutes or seconds, life seems to be good, and everything is well.

but what happens after the laughs.
certainly u do not expect the laughs to go on and on.

mr bean. we laugh at his stupidity, and his apparent idiocy in situations.
but what are we really laughing at?

we laugh because deep inside our consciousness, through mr bean, there is someone out there who is a worse fool than ourselves. we revel in that perception, and thus, the laughter is a self-confirmation of that very notion.

absurd jokes. intellectual jokes. sex jokes. racial jokes. stereotypical jokes.
.

.if you want to, the next time after you had a hearty laugh, try to conceptualise the specific feeling which came after that laughter.

after a while, things do not seem to be so funny after all.

the.thumbs

2009-02-18T01:07:00.003+08:00

HI! I am Mr Thumb. "Thumb" with a "th~". Not "TAM". okay? I am at Woodlands Causeway Point right now, waiting for my sayang so that we can catch Underworld: Rise of the Lycans for the 2nd time. yes. the 2nd time. the first time, the movie stopped halfway for us, due to a sound glitch, resulting in Viktor having an extra-deep voice.

Hi! Obviously, im Mrs Thumb. Have you seen my dearie hubby to be? *giggles*. in the previous picture, he was standing where im currently standing at, but he seem to have disappeared. oh no! whatever could have happened to him?
Together: FINALLY! *hugs*
Mr Thumb : Love, why are your lips looking so succulent today?
Mrs Thumb : Are you complaining? Or...
Mr Thumb: NO . NO. actually... I LOIKE! :P
Mrs Thumb: Stop it eh! Miang pulak dia menjadi.! Sayang, what is wrong with your tongue? It has been dangling since the first frame!
Mr Thumb: Entah. My creator thought it would be "cool" perhaps.
Mrs Thumb: OKay2! Come lets go watch the movie!
Mr Thumb: YES MA'AM! yabadabadoo!

Creator of Mr and Mrs Thumb. She goes by the monicker, PUS.

The arm belongs to her love, who goes by the monicker TEK. Due to security reasons, their full names will not be disclosed here.

...

Vampires. Werewolves. Lycans.
figures of the imagination streams in the human consciousness.
reflecting on the faintest images from actual experiences, resulting in folk-tales.

Vampires.
as a child, i had fantasies of becoming one.
frequently imagined myself feeding on blood off a damsel who has fallen in love with me.
immortality, yet only existing under the hood of the moonlight.

somethings to be pondered, or for mere records actually.

- Possession of Knowledge facilitates in the manipulation of Power.
- Freedom to... do desirable things . Freedom from... the undesirable things.
- Shyness is a form of self-imposed prison.
- When rationality and reason wears out, the only thing that keeps us going is Faith.
- Philosophy should be made a compulsory subject in schools.

.
nowadays, my eyes automatically try to shut themselves out the moment i try to read something from my modules' reading lists.

helep.

very.short.post

2009-02-12T22:37:00.001+08:00

i was happy,
looking at how ecstatic she was when i presented her Eclipse.

:)

guess that is all there is.
for now

time.space

2009-02-10T23:47:00.004+08:00

the concept of time and space kept playing around in my head at random points of the day. theyre inter-related, linked by the notion of speed.

im not thinking so much of the quantum physics and the maths behind it all, but rather more on a personal and social level.

before, the notion of time is not much of a big deal in ancient societies, where the measurement of time is only defined by the position of the sun and the moon, and it only mattered during the different parts of the day, when conditions change. its warmer during the afternoon, and during the night, prey and predator switch amongst themselves in the chasing tango for food and maybe later a siesta to digest it all. now though, it is so much different, where as we grow older, we develop for ourselves more things to do, be it in the form of hobby or work, just so that we attain that dream of retiring in comfort. but by whose rules? of course, the rules are set by those that have the legitimacy to command, especially the ones holding the carrots that are dangled in front of us in this seemingly hectic hare-race.

the general feeling most of us have is that there is too little time, for too many things to do.

space. the gap that fills the separation of an atom from another. we strive to keep changing the environment, while trying to have everything much more accesible to us. now, within days, u can get yrself a claypot made in india, if u noe where and how to get it. smaller space, more things to do.

time, and time again.
the clock keeps on ticking. while we rush ourselves mad.
and for what?
because work makes a man?
.
what the hell is the rush for?

.
maybe life is nothing when we do nothing.

.
nothing. how does the concept of nothingness exist?
.

.
this blog is going nowhere.

.
i cant remember much more of what in the blue hell i was pondering abt earlier in the day.

but , somehow, the following term in me, is quite stuck in my head for tonight.

.

"anything can happen."

for all the plannings, and the dreams.
at the end of the day, what happens next is quite uncertain, perhaps as much as the rolling of dices, or the shuffling of cards.

we will never know what the settled surface will lay out for u once the dust settles down.

.there are those who belong to either the red or black families of the deck. either with particular beliefs or attitudes.
.
the joker aint one of them.

.
he muses.
and he makes fools out of us.
and yet he does not know more.

yet. he is wise.

the wisest is one who realises that he does not know.
the most foolish is one who thinks that he knows everything.

bye.
bye bye.

gasolina~

2009-02-04T14:09:00.003+08:00

everything is slowly becoming a blur. time seems to get a life of its own, and my grip on affairs is loosening.

these are just some of the things which i vaguely remember.
i think someone has been putting ants into the things i eat.

28th Jan 2009, Wed - met up with yasmin ahmad for an interview for MS' publication with kak aisyah. keep a look-out for it. . ouh. on that day, was told of an E471, and controversial ingredient it contained. from now on, i would not drink caramel macchiato, or caramel frappucino.

30th Jan 2009, Fri - Uneventful store meeting and later on had our very own Family Reunion with "The Geng" at Holland Village Starbucks. Had a major talk with Bro Afiq, which cleared up the silence of the egos between us both. There is no need for any explanation. All that matters is that The Geng is complete.

31st Jan 2009, Sat - Watched "The Reader" with my love at Great World City. It explored the notion of 'Guilt' of individuals, relating to the wider theme of a post-war effect. Despite the nudity onscreen, it got two thumbs up from my love. :)

1st Feb, Sun - Worked the opening shift, before i went for an Alterisk meeting.

2nd Feb, Mon - Appudurai's reading presentation.

3rd Feb, Tue - Lutfi's tuition appointment.

.
so. yeah. that is all.
.
oh. and i get to meet my only love .

.
my only love.

.
and tts all that matters.

silent.goodbyes

2009-01-25T22:22:00.002+08:00

goodbyes which seem to be part of a ritual as a full certainty, like the sun rising back in the east after taking its nap in the far horizon, have this habit of putting us into a false sense of security, that the person who we have bade farewell to, will always return.

a disadvantage of living far away from those who matter to you is that whenever you return, you will always have to anticipate the time when u haf to go back to the place you call home. you know u dont wanna go, but you also know that due to whatever reasons, you cant stay.

over time, of coz, it will turn into a ritual, but yet, everytime when the time comes to say goodbye and the well-wishes, we cringe. big time. especially if the person going/left behind, is very close to you.

the tears will be replaced by unnatural controlled smiles, and silence, which sadly forms the bluff that we deceived ourselves with.

it happening over and over repetitively, even it has done so from the beginning of our awareness of the world, do not mean it will necessarily and surely happen again the next time.

even the rising and the setting of the big yellow ball.

recorded

2009-01-23T00:31:00.000+08:00

the problem with everything is that our reality is only constructed through records, made in the medium of photos, videos, texts and graphics.

"photos do not tell the whole story."

thing is, they are as easily mouldable as play-do, as perfectly crafted as to how the creator sees fit.

history is written by the victors, and losers gets to bite the dust, paralysed from telling the rest who didnt get to watch what happened, what really "happened".

the dominant force, maintains it supremacy to ensure its participants willingly support it, by constantly feeding them the propaganda and "truths" of what is supposed to be, and what is supposed to be not.

some who decide to be critical, ends up being lost, because they can never be sure of what to believe in, checking for the source and the presumed reliability that each name brings.

while the lamb heeds to the call of the shepherd dog, the oppressed cow or chicken inside feedlots continue to be mistreated by the very hands that slaughter them the next day, or are they?

oppressed from the watching eye, but in their minds, do they feel like theyre being oppressed? heck. they would think its normal, and would have no qualms about.

false consciousness, the watching eye concludes. but under whose hood does the watching eye looks from?

questions. questions.

the past? did it exist?
certainly the past no longer exist.

but how do we ever prove the past was ever there in the 1st place?
by recording it.

but who is recording it?
under whose interest?

the only saving remark for the aimless wandering ponderings would be, the only truth would be the Holy Book given by Him.

woah!

2009-01-19T21:43:00.006+08:00

almost nothing amazes me in school nowadays.
i miss the days when i would go "woah" after hearing something which simply blows my mind away.
"red pills", i would refer to them as.

i thought i will never get enough of them.
somehow rite now, i thought wrong.

not to say that im already enlightened or such, but the thing that i look so much forward to in school is no longer there.

yes. perhaps now its all about going deeper into theories, and looking at them at more specific, point by point examples.
almost to the point of narration and regurgitation.

is it any more possible to get a more general underlying observation from the things im currently learning?.

aah. perhaps my sceptism is too early, i must say.
its been like what, only 2 weeks into the semester?

by the way, these are the modules that im taking:
Sociology of Emotions (non-expressive)
Sociology of Food (wordy)
Understanding Statistics (numbers, and more numbers. i so love numbers.)
Understanding Globalisation (soothing voice. a mess.)
Cognitive Linguistics (...)
Digital Lifestyle (i will be giving the lecture slides to my parents)

uninteresting?
.

readings are killers too. why cant they all write in direct simple english? i am a lil allergic to the wordy and complex-structured ones, in that my eyes would juz shut itself out into places where id rather be.

there is something wrong with my right heel. the pain come and go, but it is still there nevertheless.

the only things that im looking forward to now in school are the people whom i know and talk to in school.
be it random things, like jokes or observations. or whatever.

and MS, of course. if you (whoever you may be), hadnt known, im involved in MS projects right now, and they are ELEVEN (a quarterly published magazine), and Alterisk (a kids' camp).

though the meetings are there, sometimes, late into the night, this time round, im feeling a much better vibe in regards to these two.

To take from my past experience, its safe to say that im becoming much more patient, and likeable.
.
though i get to know more people in school, im sad to see some of my existing bunch on a less regular basis.

one of them managed to change area of study altogether, and the only one whom im hanging out regularly with would be the ones who live near to me.

i miss playing squash, or badminton, for that matter.

i need to work out, and i really feel like im gaining weight.
man.

ouh. and i really think the reason why this post exist is because i wanna avoid this special someone who would ask, "biler nak update? tak habis2 tu zesty!"

hehe

yes. ive been spending loads of time with her.
though at times when we are apart, we would feel a lil tension here and there, but its safe to say, we are pretty okay.

and tomorrow would be our 400th day together.
time flies huh. :)

duh.
.

.
rest.
i. need. rest.

i wanna sleep one whole day in my room, on my bed. with no care or concern in the world.

.
sleep?
u wanna sleep?
when u die, then u sleep! all u want!

.
i just stumbled into a facebook group in the name of saving kampung selak kain, or kampung buangkok, the last kampung in singapore. . other than ubin, if that can still be counted.

click this link. i find this very interesting. almost made me wanna go down there right now and capture some scenes, only stopped by me realising its already 1036pm.

.
ok2. i think im finishing soon.
here are some way overdue pics. :) enjoy. ouh. and beware. i think there are a couple pics down below which will make yr eyes go wider, at least. :P

"she did it!"

"hah! main dengan makanan lagi!"

"oooh!"

"lectured"

"fascination?"

"oh yes.i will drink you!"

"on one of doz white balls floating in front of the esplanade on new year"

"my turn"

"her turn"

"smiles!"

*love*

zesty.

2009-01-08T23:42:00.002+08:00

its already the 9th day of the new year, and im still feeling zesty.
though much hasnt changed, i cant help but feel that there is this certain buzz surrounding me.
for one, im feeling much more enthusiastic about things.

isit due to me being back in NTUMS activities?
or was it the resoluteness in ensuring positive change, after seeing my results and my current CGPA right in front of my face.
(ouh. i only got to know of the "degree audit" link this week)
nothing beats the f-ed up feeling of seeing yr grades slip, aint it?

a new year, a new beginning. changes.

a new year for nur and me.
and yesterday, we had an impromptu date.
after sch/work, we went to have dinner at breeks marina square.
it was exceptionally different yesterday, and we had fun. even though it was a bit too early to be letting our hair down for the week la kan.
thing is, we were very much ourselves, and it was so unlike the last year, where we were still grappling with one another.
we did things we wudnt do on a so-called date of the conventional sense.
like what? let us be the only ones who know abt it.
ouh, and we played with our food...
"the straw which had solidified chocolate in it."
"the fondue"
"that green thing in my mango goldilocks"
.
not forgetting the guest appearance from an old fren of mine. haha.
"khairi? khairi?"
.
we headed down to mustafa.
where i got myself some things.
and where we almost got into a fight. *again*
and where she couldnt stand the smell. but really, id think its juz a matter of getting used to it.
:P kan nur?

soon, claustrophobia got the better of both of us, and the night ended with her sleeping in my arms.

perfect.
.

new year, new beginning.
hopefully, this zesty feeling lasts.
long.

last.entry.2008

2008-12-31T19:31:00.003+08:00

even with all the chaos and the uncertainty, and of course, not to mention the unintentional inertia of non-movement that plagues me every now and then, i think it is safe to say that i am pretty comfortable with myself.

the year was alright.
the highs and lows, all there.

but somehow, none seems to be bearing much of a significance that i can easily pull out of my memory glands at the current moment as i am typing this.

ok. no. i lied.

here are some things.

1. i lost some friends, or rather, they lost me.
2. my studies werent outstanding nor glowing. juz afloat.
3. my faith is still on a standstill, even after that phase recently where i really thought there wasnt a point to anything at all. now, at times where i thought i knew, moments later, i cannot be so sure.
4. i got myself a part-time job at starbucks, driven by the hints and wants of two ladies in my life whom i know care much abt me, mama & nur.
5. my family accepting the fact that their son has a special someone in his life, and happier still, when mama gets to know nur a little bit better.
6. i found new friends along the way. another quirky bunch, but the last lesson taught me certain things, and knowing that ive this habit of handling too many things at one go, i hope nothing untoward will happen.
7. i got addicted to facebook. especially gangster battle and mafia wars. why. oh why???
8. nur and myself get to know one another better. it has been a year, and though peppered with the occasional flare-ups and disagreements, both of us are still deeply in love with each other.

as with other years, i hope 2009 will be a better one.
it better be.

:)

my wishlist, and resolution, will be jotted down in my journal.
yes.
ive a journal. aka organiser.

next year will be a more organised one for me.

so many plans, so many things to do, yet so little time.

past

2008-12-30T23:18:00.004+08:00

we build on past experiences, to define our present.
without all that we felt, saw, hear or read previously, we will not have any basis present to form the roots of our judgments.
what if all that we know, is being challenged by a more authoritative figure, for example, the government?
education in schools, is just another form of propaganda mechanism, and the past that we know it, is being challenged, with textbooks saying that it happened the other way.
if that is to really happen, would you question yourself and your sanity, or would u dare speak up against it?

since the past do not exist, and perhaps, by the grounds of technicality, may never have, then who's to say, what really happened?

truth and knowledge, theyre relative.
only based on what u believe in, be it rational or spiritual.
hold on to them dearly.
coz when something robs it from u, consider yrself gone too.

comma

2008-12-30T14:13:00.003+08:00

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic.

You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything.

You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests.

You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time.

Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to.

(But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.)

You excel in: Inspiring people

You get along best with: The Question Mark

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

brown.chick

2008-12-22T23:14:00.003+08:00

i made her sit on the concrete floor, juz for this picture, which for me, is one of the most beautiful pictures ive ever taken.

lawa kan?

:)

.
the greatest storm comes just before the calm.

witch

2008-12-22T22:56:00.002+08:00

You Are a Witch (or Warlock)

You are deviously brilliant and a perfect manipulator.

You somehow always end up getting what you want - without anyone knowing you're working behind the scenes.

Crafty and cunning, you can work your way out of any jam.

And it's easy for you to get people to do what you want, whether you're working for good or evil.

Your greatest power: Mind control

Your greatest weakness: Making people your puppets

You play well with: Ghosts

What Kind of Monster Are You?

sloshed.

2008-12-20T16:06:00.002+08:00

"sloshed"

this word caught my eye in the front page of a local tabloid some time back recently.
it was featuring the habit of party-goers being drunk and paralysed right after one of the major beach parties singapore can offer...
it being an ugly sight and detrimental to the well-being of themselves, and all.

the verb caught my eye, due to its auditory effect of its pronunciation which hints to its meaning instantly in my head.
the first thing that came to mind was slurpee.
u noe, the blended drink that was made famous by its brain-freeze ad while we were young.
i remember in primary school, i used to head down to a nearby 7-11 which juz opened, just to get my hands on a cup of slurpee. or that small cup of mr softee, which has died out.

slurpee, becoz... to me its the sound or sensation that u will experience when u attempt to stir a cup of slurpee substance, or mr softee.

.
brain-freezed.
slow-mode-ish.
but without its colorful flavors.

that is what im feeling rite now.
sloshed.

im drained.
mentally, and physically.

not that i was busy with anything specific in particular, but perhaps its the amount of transit from point a to point b that gets me exhausted the most.

its mind-numbing.
its when emptiness will reek in, and your existence juz gets insulated by the dusty and crowded confines of the bus/mrt, while u see the rest of the world passing by.

its not a conducive environment to get the badly needed 40winks or even a decent chat with anyone that happens to be with u, especially in buses.

if u got a seat, ud always have to be on the look-out for the elderly, less abled, with two- bodied, just so to avoid the silent criticism from the glaring of other passengers.

it gets better when u play a game with yrself of gauging the age and efficiency of a seemingly old person in front of u.
.

perhaps the reason im quite sloshed rite now, even though its been 6 hrs since i had reached home from my graveyard shift, is also due to the relatively long period of time since i ever did something which i enjoy so much.

one thing, ive been away from my love for a quite a while now.
and another thing, we have not been spending enough quality time together.

another factor is due to my highly critical status of my financial situation.
*sigh*
thinking abt it makes me lose my appetite, and even the will to just go out.

no money, no honey.
simple rule.

this is juz another effect of reification, where how we see the value of time and the tasks that we do, being merely measured and dependent by the value of money.

.
slave to the system.
urgh.
im being exploited, and its not a gd feeling.

im not talking abt the corporation im working for, but rather, im referring to the whole system that we are bounded by as a whole.

the individual in me is exhausted.
he needs some time to recuperate, but im not sure when can he, especially with the school term coming up, and in hand are a couple of humanitarian project to contend himself with.

.
ouh. i wanna bowl.
i miss bowling.
before i started my journey home, me in my sloshed mind, managed to bring up the possibility of having a bowling session with 2 of my colleagues in JB, who happen to love bowling too, but has not indulged in the sport for quite a while now.

the idea is still in its infancy.
and i fancy it being realised only after my next pay comes in, and that is already when school has re-opened.

school.
aiyah.
im worried for my grades.
last sem was bad. very bad.
enough said.
.

sloshed.
from the worrying.
and everything else that comes in between.

someone pls bring me the remedy.

.
i miss u, nur.
i really do.
:(

when can we have our own time coming?...

.dah. aku nak mandi skrng.

ouh. and sloshed, according to dictonary.com

slosh -
v. tr.

To spill or splash (a liquid) copiously or clumsily: slosh paint on the floor.
To agitate in a liquid: slosh clothes in a solution of bleach and detergent.

v. intr.
To splash, wade, or flounder in water or another liquid: sloshed through the creek.
n.

Slush.
The sound of splashing liquid.

sloshed -
adj. Slang
Intoxicated; drunk.

yakking.

2008-12-19T20:03:00.002+08:00

it is only when things are turning out for the worse, or when the end is very much in sight, would we start to regret on the things that we have done or should have done.

why do we not contemplate right at the beginning?

isit the at-the-moment impulse, or are we really that short-sighted.

some of us do things, that we know harm ourselves or the people around us that matters.

take drinking, smoking, or even the general phenomena of global pollution.

we know that its wrong, and detrimental, and yet we still do it.

the apathetic side in all of us are apparent to see.

some who are optimistic enough would maintain that values and principles still hold.

but on which or whose grounds that it rightfully remain so?

we disparage those who smoke, citing second hand smoke as harmful to the body.

but what about smoke continuously coming out of vehicles or factories, isnt it as bad too?

or, how about us yakking so much on the environment and the need to go green, but at the same time, we drool at the sight of a branded item on the shelf that has "new arrival" on it, even though we do not need it. the current home at home is left wasted, piling up dust.

the need for that instant gratification is very much apparent, implicit or explicit.

we do not care where it came from, or how it was made, so long as our slimy fingers can get a hold of it.

hypocrisy is wrong? ... yet we barely bat an eyelid when innocents die from a stray bullet in a desert civilisation, but when someone from our own nation who holds a high qualification gets to be the victim, the mourning went like there wasnt to be a tomorrow.

.
my mind is rather racing and pacing, and i know, whatever above seem barely coherent or comprehensible.

perhaps im irritated that i have to get out of my house again tonight.

to become a slave to the system for a few hours while everyone else gets to dream a lil something...
.

one.year

2008-12-18T22:04:00.002+08:00

my mini floorball journey ended today.
we reached the semis.
alas, NIE was indeed the better team.
while we won and not concede any goals for the earlier preliminary matches, we were taught a great deal of the flair and skill needed to ace in floorball by the learning teachers.

and our huddle was like this...
"what team? HSS!
what team? HSS!
hey.. SA~!"
which left me a couple of seconds deaf.

.
sounds familiar?
yeah. the spirit-lifter for the wildcats in HSM.

thanks to who?
:P

it was our 1st anniversary of us together yesterday.
duly marked by a heart...
a simple gesture, but not without its meaning.

no matter how far the distance,
how bitter some issues may be...

my heart is still hers, so long as she bothers to keep it. kan syg?

:)

i love you.

gdbye.to.a.part.of.me

2008-12-15T01:11:00.003+08:00

i am not financially well-off, like some of you are. that is why, i foresee that it will be a long time coming before i can get my hands on a brand new phone.

this is but a tribute to my phone, the N78.

gone, away from my not so chubby hands, and into some muddy fingers of the one who does not care to return.

why would i feel the loss?

it is just a phone, a mere object, some would argue.

thing is, even though its only a few months now, the phone had become an integral part of me.

other than the calls and smses function, i would miss the photography and music functions even more.

even the photography quality is obviously far-off from dslr quality, it is good enough for me. 3.2 megapixels, with a carl zeiss autofocus lense, and a bright enough xenon flash, i took loadsa pictures with it, if i do not have my bridge camera around me.

i captured some of the best moments that life can offer to me as a form of art, and im gonna miss that.

it has a big screen too, something which i always enjoy letting my eyes feast on.

though it hangs in the most unexpected times every now and then, with a simple removal of the plastic cover and the battery, its up and running again... and i certainly did not mind.

certainly, my audio technica earphones would miss entering its universal jack insert, for my daily music fix in transit, or when i need to have some senseless music screaming into my ears before i can go to sleep.

this is one the last pictures i managed to upload into my laptop, before the sudden disappearance of my phone.

i dont know about you, but i find this picture breathtaking, not only did the phone captured the flames in the most crisp of manner, it reminds me of my mischievous side, that is only waiting to unravel itself from time to time. (i actually stacked the whole remainder of a box of unused firestarters during the end of a barbecue session and set it alight, just for the sport of it.)

i dont fancy those large touchscreens at all, which also do not have proper keypads. my beloved phone instead, has a screen big enough screen, and a proper keypad, something for me to jab upon in a jiffy.

though it is expected that i would leave some scratches all over the phone, which i did, i still do not mind, as those scratches only make it more unique, and only defines it more as mine.

haiz.

goodbye, my N78. ...

now im using my sayang's old sony ericsson for the time being... until i can get myself another nokia phone that can match itself to my N78.

what to do?
suck it in lorh.

bah.

nombor.

2008-12-14T12:53:00.001+08:00

i left my mobile in the cab, only realising 20 mins after i alighted for my first opening shift.

.

i have reactivated my old number, which is 93838645.

sms me yr name, so that i can save it proper.

.
.
.

only now, i realise how much dependent my life was towards that phone.

i felt as if a whole lotta vacuum was left, and i felt truly lost.

km13

2008-12-11T00:36:00.002+08:00

KM31, a spanish horror film that got me pondering.
no.
not about the ghosts, nor the scary effects.
but rather, about lies.
the old woman told the couple to beware of ghosts that try to deceive.
interestingly, the old woman herself was out to deceive them.
imagine the devil warning others of himself.
.
lies.
truths.
untruths.

the mystique of such mechanisms still baffle me.
we rely so much on the truths, and truths alone.
that we crumble and fall, once the truth gets untied, and whatever that we believe in vanished.

how do you know when to believe, or when to be a sceptic?

do we blame ourselves for any dashed hopes, or do we point fingers at others?

the guy ended up killing his girlfriend, because to his eyes at that point of time, she was a demon.
he didnt noe that the actual demon was actually playing tricks to his mind.
.

ginger.girl

2008-12-04T22:53:00.002+08:00

last monday was my sayang's 22nd birthday.
had an intimate celebration with her pham at beach road.
gorged ourselves, or myself actually, crazy with ayam tulang merah.
was a lil broke, so for the occasion, i got for her that bliss log from cannelle and that gingerbread man from my store.

:)
hmm. this picture.
i aint sure when was this taken, but it was during a busride on the way to her home.
so cute kan!!!
:)
and yeah. last saturday she followed me to a family bbq organised by one my aunts, and there, the ladies of my house got to know her a lil bit better, especially my sisters.
hopefully, there would be more family outings that she can join me.
:)
.

and now. until tomorrow, i would be all alone without her.
she's off to a holiday cruise on superstar virgo.
haiz.
if only i can join her.
confirm dah bertango and doing the cha-cha with her rite now.
instead of having my feet aching, from that damn floorball practice, and special work shift, where my store is giving out free drinks for salvation army.

cant wait for tomorrow, when ill get to see her again.

oh yeah, i put some nice photos i took at my other, ahem, blog. :P

reprieved.caramel

2008-11-25T16:33:00.002+08:00

minimised.alienation

"At times, we think we are alone in this world.
Perhaps, we really are.
At the end of it, its our own body which the grave consumes.
By choices made, we only have ourselves to bear the consequences.
Thing is, we cant stand being alone.
Being alone means you cannot have a strong support of your realities or meanings.
That scares us.
Yet we want others to believe in our own realities only, not knowing that we risk burning the ties that bond the free spirit in us.
Being free lets you go places, but it dampens your search for a home."

Perhaps i am just babbling, or im merely sorting out my own reasonings. My intention is anyone's guess. Anyways, may we wake up tomorrow fresh, or let us sleep in peace forever (leaving the chaos behind).
Gd nite.
.

Art imitating Life.
or Life imitating Art.

ouh. the wonders of our never-ending maze of electric pulses in our grey matter.
.

Im meeting my Sayang later.
its been so long.
its been so long.

.

and the reprieve for a month starts from now.

patiently.waiting

2008-11-21T22:44:00.004+08:00

Picture taken at Sedap Corner.

Life's a contemplation.
We choose, according to certain values, or aims.
At times, we will not be sure.
The direction of our paths gets clouded and murky.
At those junctures are hints for you to pause, and reflect.
Think clearly about what you really want, or what you do not want.
Once your mind is clearer, you then continue your journey.

Angler Mentor, Mr Jason Boh.

I became an angler for the first time in my life just now.
The waiting process was a torture at first, and as i eagerly reeled in the line for the first time, i was expecting a fish to be hooked. yes. i was disappointed.

But thanks to my first official Angler Mentor, i had very succint yet comprehensive briefing of what it is like to immerse in the Fishing (Angling) Experience.

My first caught fish. I think I will name it "Fishy".

The thrill.
The excitement.

...

Of doing it for the first time, is indeed...
Priceless.

...

My love and yours truly i feeling the distance.
Time and circumstance are making us miss each other more.

Truly, for the time to arrive...
I can barely wait.

...

My time with Angler Mentor, reminded me of the virtue of Patience.

.
Patience, k sayang?

ilu. ;)

two.doves

2008-11-16T17:32:00.000+08:00

im.at.home

*hearts*

walking.on.water

2008-11-11T19:53:00.003+08:00

I LOVE THIS PICTURE!~

the.light.of.my.life & yours.truly

our.1st.bowling.session

ok2. ive juz ended my revision at wdlands library... for today.
going home now.
but... the marathon continues at home.

1st paper on thursday morning. linguistics.

why. why khairi. ???!!!
.

".it's never the same without you."

indulgent

2008-11-08T01:01:00.003+08:00

the fillings in a slice of strawberry struddel.

illuminated by the street light.

the nearest description available for my handwriting. at raffles place mrt platform.

.
so rush and i had a little date.
after a marathon session of revision at the national library.
but not before performing my friday prayers at one of the most oddest of spots.
.
ok. scroll back up.
and go indulge in a bit of visual feast.

bye.

wonderful.world

2008-11-03T20:50:00.005+08:00

So this time, it's her turn. "Amig gambar taktau pose betul-betul tau!" :P

Mr Lonely. heh. with Mr Peyut, and not forgetting Mr Pusyat.

My favourite drinke. Tall Caramel Macchiato, with extra Caramel Drizzle and Cinnamon Topping. :)

Do you know, Starbucks stores provide a free wireless Internet service? . haha

A LOST & FOUND notice.

hola all.
so hows yr preparations everybody?
be it for exams... or whatever... like marriage, your 1st times, deathday...?
ok2.

.
thing is... im happy... contented...
not just for the fact that i have watched High School Musical 3 .... twice,
and having myself face the prospect of my exams officially starting next week with Linguistics : Mind & Meaning,
.
i am happy because for all the wordly troubles facing me, im fortunate enough to be around with people who actually matter greatly... my family... Nur... and friends. :)

i shed a lot of tears recently.
not of sadness or anguish...

but of happiness and that silent yet fulfilling feeling that you get when you are just thankful you are what and how you are right now.

not some are as lucky as you, and if you think you have it tough, beyond what you see on screens, some people actually have it far worse than you.

and one last but not least thing...
some, whom from our eyes lack something, be it intelligence, or even that basic human consciousness, or even those who come into this world lacking a limb or two, there is always something extra that the Big Guy has given them.

Appreciate their presence, and God-willing, the Big Guy upstairs may decide to bless you in return.

so, come see me and perhaps we can have a coffee or two.
i will try to spread the vibe to you.

and it just so happen that right now as i am typing this, a female cover version of the song,
"What a Wonderful World" is playing in my beloved Capitol Tower's Starbucks store right now.

Enjoy...
=..)

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
Theyre really sayin......i love you.

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
Theyll learn much more.....than Ill never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world

(instrumental break)

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are there on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
Theyre really sayin...*spoken*(I ....love....you).

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
*spoken*(you know their gonna learn
A whole lot more than Ill never know)
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself .......what a wonderful world.

HSM3

2008-10-29T18:32:00.002+08:00

i watched high school musical 3 with Nur yesterday.
.

though naturally my inclination is not towards the production which at first i find is, quite ridiculous and beyond the realistic,

i have to admit... that i pretty much enjoyed it.

not for the obvious teenage eye candy, nor the slick dance moves by cast,

but rather, because i get to be there with her.

she was happy, ecstatic... whatever you want to call it.
.

and though i naturally dont like it at first, after submerging myself into her own interests with an open mind, the show was not that bad after all.

it was quite moving for me only right at the end, at the scene at the basketball court where the two best friends acknowledge that they have to move on separately in their lives.

.
admittedly, it puts a dampener to my contentment right there and then...
but knowing that i have someone beside me who is willing to stay through thick and thin, certainly puts back the optimism in my heart.

:)

GT?

2008-10-24T00:32:00.004+08:00

in bold and italic are what i think is true.

Groundbreaking Thinkers are charming, enthusiastic persons. They really bubble over with energy and like to take centre stage. They love variety both professionally and privately.

Groundbreaking Thinkers tackle changes consistently with their optimism and firm belief in their own abilities; they are always on the look-out for improvement possibilities. Their excellent communication skills are of great advantage to them here. They approach the world with curiosity and openness and master new situations with a great deal of talent for improvising and with resourcefulness.

Their spare time is taken up with a large number of hobbies; most Groundbreaking Thinkers like to travel in order to gather as many different impressions as possible.

This personality type is unbeatable at discovering new possibilities.

In their work, Groundbreaking Thinkers highly rate challenges and diversified tasks.

They cannot stand routine and too detailed work. They love to astound others with bold ideas for an original, new project and then leave it up to the others to implement them. Hierarchies, rules and regulations arouse their opposition and they love outsmarting the system. It is vital to them that they enjoy their work; if this is the case, they quickly become pure workaholics. Their creativity best takes effect when they work independently; but they are very good at motivating others and infecting them with their optimistic nature. Conceptual or advisory activities appeal especially to Groundbreaking Thinkers. It can happen that some people feel somewhat duped by their flexible, spontaneous nature.

Their sociability and enterprise ensure that Groundbreaking Thinkers always have a large circle of friends and acquaintances in which activity plays an important role. As they are mostly in a good mood, they are popular and very welcome guests.

Grumbling and peevishness are unknown to them.

However, they do tend to be a little erratic and unstable when it comes to obligations and this makes them appear to be unreliable to some. Groundbreaking Thinkers are very critical and demanding when it comes to picking a partner because they look for the ideal relationship and have a very concrete picture of this ideal relationship. Mutual aims in life are very important to them. They do not like compromising and would rather remain alone. For the partner, it is often a challenge to have a long-term relationship with a Groundbreaking Thinker. Groundbreaking Thinkers need a lot of space and diversity or otherwise they become bored and feel cramped. Types who are rather more traditionalistic often have problems with the willingness of Groundbreaking Thinkers to take risks and their often crazy, spontaneous actions.

However, if one can summon up sufficient flexibility and tolerance for them, one will never be bored in their presence and will always have a loyal and faithful partner.

Adjectives which describe your type

extroverted,

theoretical, logical, spontaneous, rational, innovative, intellectual, open, independent, curious,

enterprising, analytical, clever, enthusiastic, venturesome, inventive, energetic, sociable, optimistic,

non-conformist,

creative,

freedom-loving,

charming, able to get enthusiastic, self-confident, communicative, capricious, inconsistent, outgoing

These subjects could interest you

documentaries, books, talks, museums,

computer, Internet, strategy games,

politics, drawing/painting

unbroken.contract

2008-10-22T22:16:00.002+08:00

the art of defining yourself.

so who are you?
"Khairi".

no no. im not asking for your name.
"im a student"

no no. im not asking for your occupation.
so who are you?

...

the dualism of human nature.

on one hand, you're born to express your consciousness, to carve your inner being into our surroundings. the individual that exists, has to bear the unquenchable thirst for acknowledgment.

on the other hand however, to fully form yourselves, you need to do a favor for others, to form their own beings and identity. so that they can do it for you. to acknowledge you.

without others, the being is no longer.

honour the social contract.
no matter how much you want to do the things that you would love to.

erased.pretensions

2008-10-17T16:25:00.002+08:00

"He who walks in the valley of death shall fear no evil."
this line struck me while i was in the bus on the way to school this morning.

a quick check online reveals the original phrase and the source.

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

The 23rd Psalm

the fear of everything else, gone, knowing by the fact that you can stand by Him, the Almighty, God, Allah.

the invisible entity which holds much influence over the minds of how people work and think.

giving the reason to all that is mystical, and the unexplained, and the impossible questions which the sphere of rational science cannot explain.

.
to put it honestly, i dont know where is this post heading. perhaps that is it.

im still left clueless, and even after all these extended years of academic pursuit, im left even more wayward.

.
are we really in a need to express our being?
or even to quench this thirst of us of imprinting our presence in our surroundings.

sometimes i do think that our added human consciousness is a curse.

but if there is no sense of species being at all, what is the (bloody) point of it all?

.
too many red pills i have let my mind consume, you might think.

Urgh.

i guess at this point of time, i shall have to go on in this journey, not knowing.
whoever came up with this line is right.

"true knowledge is knowing that you do not know."

Allah, forgive me for all those times i have sinned.
For i am just another one of your ignorant servants.

Yes. You are the reason why i am still walking on this forsaken Earth.
Deep down inside, you are the reason why i even exist.
.

The Joker

He makes me realize that only us (then who else?!) are capable enough of laughing upon witnessing something which is essentially evil in itself. Killing, for example.

We are only civilised, only to the extent as how the situation allows us to be.
When we are pushed to a corner, we will not hesitate to act in the expense of another.

He disturbs me. A great deal.

But what the heck, so long as i have my Nur who never fails to leave me warm and fuzzy inside whenever shes in my presence, everything should be okay... right?

5 days ago is the 300th day for the both of us. and today is our 10months together.

:).
good or bad, bitter or sweet, we will overcome anything, and everything.

thanks syg, for still sticking by me.
and no. the journey ahead wont be all plain and smooth-sailing.
theres more excitement to come definitely. ;)

so let us get to know each other better, shall we? Muacks!

red.hot!~

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

2008-10-02T13:47:00.001+08:00

Id like to wish all that ive known so far in my entire life; friends, acquiantances, foes, strangers alike,...
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. :)

Buzz me.
I'll be nice.

Really.

every.moment.counts

2008-09-24T23:47:00.004+08:00

Hola!~ :)

Pic taken by Weia. while chilling at east coast with fini and her geng.

the dam broke.
and in the comfort of who else, but her. wifey. nur.

the rush of emotions which was perhaps just begging to be out, was almost orgasmic.
and i did wonder how come it did not come out sooner.

the personal turmoil i was in, left me whimpering like a lost puppy in search for its mummy.

and the triggering effect?

another one of our classic typical quarrels, which like the previous times, i wasnt sure of how it was going to end.

the day surprisingly started off brightly.

was on my typical saturday morning shift, two days after my birthday.

during my break, i saw her. and instantaneously, my mood lifted. we exchanged gifts. and admittedly, emotions between the two of us were at an all-time high.

yes. there were happy tears. :) and no guessing for how my mood was like for the remainder of my shift.

later in the day though, the fateful stormy clouds rolled by.

and as mentioned, it manifested in the typical way, and somehow, deep inside me, i couldnt stand it.

i told her. everything.
and i was ugly.

but the thing is, i felt good after that.
and i could see how relieved she was, after hearing me out.

im glad.
because she understood.
and she was patient.

and after that, it seemed like i was falling in love with her all over again.

the breaking of fast session at breeks with two other couples friends of hers was a-okay.

and in between, we sneaked each other glances of both want, and coyness.

us. while waiting for the beatbox gig at outdoor.theater

us. with hada&suf, shima&up

i loved that.

.

she also made me a slide video.
with these words,

"There's nothing more i can do to tell you how much i love you...
You're my love, my heart and my soul...
9 things i love about you
Your sweet smiles
Your ooh soo sweet "muncung"
When you do those cute faces of yours
ooh.. so seductive eyes!!
And the list shall go on and on..
and on and on and on
i love the way you smile when we took pictures..
i love it when our cheeks meet..
i love it when you hold my hand and look at me in the eyes
i love it when you make me sit close to you...
i love it when i get to be so close to you..
i love it when you actually trusted me to help you overcome your fears..
And i simply love it when you look so innocent..
Thank you for your love, care and concern all these while.
It's been a great 9 months with you...
I have always loved you with all my heart.
And i am going to love you for the rest of my life...
For you, i will..
Happy 9th Months, and Happy 22nd Birthday.
I love you forever, and till death do us part.
For you, i will.."

in my starbucks limited edition journal. :)
see the words printed.

"today is the day.
make every moment count"

simple enough right.
but it holds a very useful advice.

treasure the moments with your loved ones, as if those moments would be your last.
you'll never know when they will go away.
its easy to take for granted each other, amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
and that is why conscious effort is needed.
so that they will know that you still care for them.
best option is of coz, is through more than words.
and fortunately for me and nur, we managed to remind this to each other.
hey. even the best of us make mistakes :P

:)

Nur, thank you for being there.
my love for you is very much strong and burning bright. now, and god-willing, forever.

thank you my friends, for offering to lend me their listening ear.
appreciate it. very much.

take care all.
mwahs2!

230908/2359

on a sidenote...
wifey nur is shortlisted as one of those running for title of Muslimah Anggun for an online Islam website. (Elegant Muslim Lady)

though she is already my Muslimah Anggun, do vote for her k k k? :)

22nd.birthday

2008-09-18T12:42:00.002+08:00

so... today is the day that i turn 22.

honestly, i still do not know what exactly to type out here.

am i supposed to say what are the things i have accomplished?

or say what i hope to accomplish in the future?
it is not that important to state it out here aint it.

perhaps people who matter would have a rough inkling to what i would want to achieve.

now im on my bed still.
and ... just idling.
a luxury that only some right now can afford.

no. im not selling grapes. im merely... taking time off.
.
the last few days, or weeks, have been a blur to me.
turbulent moments most of the time.

and my mind wasnt at ease.
theres always something that i would be thinking, or worrying about.

i dont hafta mention about sch and my work.
those are normal things that people worry of.

it is the other things that im pre-occupied or at least do some re-thinking about.
my relationships with others outside to myself.
with everyone around me.

yes. everyone. from my family, to Nur, to my mates at NTU, to everyone else that knows me.

in recent months, i had the unfortunate luck of putting myself vulnerable to the act of others surrounding me.

my worth of value to others would be glared at me, and most of the time, the result aint so good.
or rather, from my own view of expectations.

i dont know.
i really dont know.

i wish to be nonchalant about it.
but i cant.

its like u noe u need them, but at times u feel like u can really make do without them.
especially when u haf fights or arguments or misunderstandings, and when it threatens to boil out from the kettle, either u pull the leash, and give in. or u put down a stand, and see wherever the spill brings u.

thing is, im really really getting sick of pleasing others and not getting the reciprocation from it.
im sick of getting disappointed.
honestly.

or are my expectations too high???
no. i dont think so.
please me, and ill please you.
u scratch my back, and ill scratch yours.

isnt the equation simple.
for some, the line isnt so clear, sadly.

the scars are already there, etched, and clearly to stay, definitely.

now.

love.
whats love?

honestly now. i am not so sure anymore.

isit embodied in the concept of sacrifice for another.?
or a solution of convenience, just so u wont feel lonely?
or perhaps the cynic in me might say, its an excuse to enslave others for the benefit of your own gratification.

really, i seem to haf nearly lost the pure concept for it, if theres any at all even.
not just in the sense of romantic partnership, but also in the generic sense of your attitude towards others.
i dont understand it fully.

all i know rite now, its that mere feeling of longing, and appreciation for the presence of someone, because u think he/she can give u that higher sense of "high".

but surely there are more to that than that.

should love be exclusive, or not? i tot so.
is a sense of commitment necessary? i tot that so too.
is love supposed to hurt? if its yes, well, then people all around must be sick in the head indulge in such a painful form of pleasure.

u can say ive almost become an empty shell.
show me "love", and ill reflect back the love that u show to me.

i need someone to fill me up.
coz my fuletank has become empty.
my humane side is becoming much and much more distant from everything else and floating in a vacuum, with juz nothingness and inconsequence defining my thoughts.

i dont need someone to hurt me.

instead...

i need a saviour from all these confusion and mindlessness.

i need someone to love me absolutely, to save me from this darkness.
i need someone that love me enough, to bring back the smile on my face.
i need someone who can accept me the way i am.
i need someone to teach me how to love properly.

.

if not, i can only wish i am dead.
oh no. theres God. so i cant just kill myself.
i hafta carry out enough good deeds.
if not, ill go to Hell.
Eternal damnation.
simple, aint it.

.

Happy 22nd Birthday Khairi...

@>/--

*and yes. thank you for the well-wishes ppl*

.
(if i receive any response from anyone that this entry is offensive (which i really think is not), out of a mere random consideration, i shall pull this out from publication, and just save this under drafts at blogger, for my own private viewing record.)
1347/180986

fuck-glory-shit

2008-09-16T20:57:00.003+08:00

I AM NOT FEELING FINE.
AND
I AM DEFINITELY NOT OKAY.

NOTHING WENT RIGHT TODAY.
.
.

i need to de-stress.
.
!!!

.

bah.

ano-me

2008-09-15T11:11:00.002+08:00

0256hrs.
i am still awake.
and i cannot sleep.
my mind is travelling, yet it came back to where it started.
rationality.
faith.
love.
ideas.
are they real.
or just.
illusions.
god forgot to lock 1 devil in this holy month,
and that 1 devil is in me.
how do i trust that whatever happens is for the good,
and in plan,
when we are given the freedom of choice.
or is the plan not fixed.
emotions make us human.
yet, they are the bane of our existence.
we break down when we seemingly cant hold on,
and we run amok when we are robbed.
people, things.
we posses them.
nothingness,
is insanity.
when you dont own anything, youre not tied down.
see.
i told you.
now, can you still bear with me.
or should you just keep my body,
but throw my brains out.
cause after all, that thing left would still be...
me.
0305hrs.

red.ants

2008-09-04T11:36:00.002+08:00

a shot taken by my N78.

yey. im seeing nur today.
yet i think i may be breaking fast alone. :(

red.&.pink

2008-09-02T21:28:00.003+08:00

being to honest to oneself is the minimal form of dignity that a person can ever offer to his/her self.

.
i smiled.
i teased.
i held your hands tight.
for you.

but you could see it in my eyes.
in my forlorn expression.
in eyes that bear the void of emptiness.

that there was something wrong.
but you didnt know what.
and i didnt know what.

but i was happy being by your side.
even though little was exchanged,
even though both of us were exhausted.

u, physically.
me, mentally.

for a while, i was on cloud nine. having your head, against my shoulder.
and
i couldnt stop myself caressing the skin of yr face while u were asleep.

...
but...

as tonight wears on, i realise what was haunting me.
memories of yesterday nite still lingers on.
the nightmare was too much too bear.

...

admittedly, now im seemingly the weaker one.
would u hold me tight and forever stay, or would u one day let me go ... & turn away?

.
its already september.
and yeah. its already my 2nd entry for the month?

so this is what i feel without the devil hovering above me.

angst?

2008-09-01T23:06:00.003+08:00

so its been awhile.

there are moments outside, when thoughts of the environment surrounding my being, and of particular observations, will make me pause, and sum up a form of conclusion or theory to what i have just witnessed.

or feel.

and then i would tell myself to blog about it.

or at least, to record it all down, so that it could be made as a form of muse, or reflections, or at least, to remind myself that i have a valid past, and that i can remember them.

but no.
i'd end up not doing so by the time i got my hands logged onto the net.
why?

i dont know why.
perhaps its my other being in me, which do not seem to recognise the point of it all.
this blog thing.

.
hm.

thing is.
i miss her.

and i miss myself.

self?
who's got a self nowadays.

we do not own ourselves.

unknowingly, we are slaves.

slaves to the system.
slaves to money.
slaves to school/work/ and whatever shitload ideas u might have.

wait. why this angst.
its all a struggle really.
and over time, the frustration builds into you.

hm.

ok2.
its ramadhan now.

and becoz i believe there is a God, and that there is Heaven and Hell, i am still alive.

if not, i would haf juz let myself fall off the bridge connecting NTU and NIE and let tt double decker go through me, while im mid-air.
(yes. tt would need some impeccable timing)
(i'll haf myself a knife juz in case im still breathing, k)

only my faith can guide me.

and no.
i wont be like my atheist tutor.

.
Enjoy the Ramadhan people, and when it comes to deeds and whatsnot, now is the time to get greedy.

and yes.
juz chill when the odds are all set against u.

.
ouh.
did i mention how much i miss her.

:(

.
but wait.
i should also mention this.

i love her.

:)

just before we watched 4bia yesterday.

what.religion

2008-08-28T17:23:00.000+08:00

You Should Follow Islam

You believe that there is one true God and that it's your duty to submit to his will.
Life may be trying, unfair, or painful here on earth. But you're waiting for the Paradise in the afterlife.

Religion is the most important thing in your life, and you are fully devoted to God.
You are willing to fast, pray often, and follow all of God's rules to make sure you have a place in heaven.

http://blogthings.com/whatreligionshouldyoubequiz/">What Religion Should You Be?

kau.ilhamku

2008-08-16T02:00:00.003+08:00

pic taken and editted by nur's lesbo bestie fren aidah. :)

so its 0200.
i was just done chatting with my sayang.
and really, its been a long while since we had a long chat with each other at night.
it was almost like one of the1st few days that we were getting to noe each other. heheh.

theres juz this special feeling brewing in me right now.
which i dun normally get at other times, especially by what we shared on the phone just now.
tonight im especially happy, hearing that she's so hyper, and us sounding so alive and well for each other, even though inside i knew both of us were totally exhausted by the tolls that we went thru earlier in the day.

she blogged abt my habit of sending her random smses, and yeah, it left me so the happy. haha. entah eh. bukan nak riak atau bangga ke ape ah, but i do it juz so to cool down the wanting feeling of missing her, especially when we do not get to meet at days in a stretch.

and the conversation only reaffirmed the faith that we haf in our relationship, and only reminded me still, not that i forget of coz, of why im still with her, and why she is still with me. for that one, i shall keep it juz between the two of us.

a lil bit of narrative update.
life for me has been smooth.
though a lil bumpy and with a bit of tightening the belt.
my 1st starbucks pay would only come after the 7th of september. and hopefully, it would ease up a bit of my reliance on my parents, which as an adult, im quite ashamed to be still heavily dependent on them.

school's been smooth, and so far so good.
im only taking 5 subjects; 4 soci modules, and a linguistic module.
though only 5, i intend to put in more effort in my studies this sem, and admittedly, my last semester was too much of a leisure stroll.
and now that im working, id haf to prove to myself, and my loved ones that i can indeed balance up my schedule to accomodate all that.

oh yeah, im proud to say that ive started to learn to play squash, thanks to my beloved bros in ntu ( u noe who u are).
and also, proudly i say that im relatively decent in it, considering that it was my 1st time playing. i haf to brush up on the rules though.
so now its "ON!", every thursday is fitness and squash day, with our dear OCifer supervising our training. dah dah. lu jgn kembang.

unfortunately though, having a new professional commitment on top of my academic pursuit means i haf to sacrifice some other things, and ive decided to forego my nominations to be involved in ntums as either the business manager or the marketing manager. honestly, i would love to take up the challenge and the position, and the experience that i would gather would be priceless and useful for my future positions, but alas, im not confident i can live up to the best of expectations of i were to take them up, especially when i may put my work on top of it. but perhaps, i may still help with ntums every now and then, if time permits it.

last but not least, here's a video of a malay song Kau Ilhamku, roughly meaning, You're my Inspiration.

and here are the lyrics, and the translated meaning by me. (as close as possible la kan)

Man Bai - Kau Ilhamku

Beribu bintang di langit kini menghilang (A thousand stars in the sky haf now disappeared,)
Meraba aku dalam kelam (Caressing me in the darkness of the night)
Rembulan mengambang kini makin suram (The shine of the moon dims)
Pudar ilhamku tanpa arah (Dimming also my inspiration directionless)

Sedetik wajahmu muncul dalam diam (An image of your face appeared unknowingly)
Ada kerdipan ada sinar (There's a twinkle, there's a shine)
Itukah bintang ataupun rembulan (Is that a star or the moon?)
Terima kasih ku ucapkan (Thank you I say)

Izinkanku mencuri bayangan wajahmu (Permit me to steal the image of your face)
Izinkanku mencuri khayalan denganmu (Permit me to steal a moment of a dream with you)

Maafkanlah oh… (Forgive me...)
Andailah lagu ini mengganggu ruangan hidupmu (If this song disturbs your peace)
Kau senyumlah oh… (Do smile)
Sekadar memori kita di arena ini (Just for our memories in this arena)
Kau ilhamku… kau ilhamku… (Youre my inspiration x2)

*haiz. i think i dissected it bad for the translation. :( anyways, heres the vid. for those who know, id rather stick to the true essence of meaning the original malay version offers.

and yeah. you do noe to whom i would sing this song to. ;)

and now its 0242. gdnite.

mango.passion

2008-08-10T16:56:00.002+08:00

its hard to keep an open and receptive mind when u're working, especially as when u realise that u tend to work better with the ones that u can click naturally with ease.

the art of maintaining your cool, of course, is a challenge in itself, while your ego is constantly battered and beaten to a pulp.

well, what is work without its troubles?

the last few days had been quite a revelation, with the random attacks of restlessness and reminiscing of the past.

the rush of time was head-numbing at times, and with school opening, and the start of working at my store proper coinciding together, its pretty much a great challenge.

there were welcoming momentary reprieves, especially by Nur's presence.

and yesterday, i managed to catch the national day's fireworks with her, accompanied by her brother.

in the cold comfort of a ten storey office juz in front of the parliament house. the view was clear but it was unfortunately dampened perhaps by the lingering rain, which made the smoke harder to dissipate.

uh. nvm. yang penting, dapat watch the fireworks with my sayang.

we had a stroll, against the tide of people heading towards the mrt stations, and even walked along the esplanade line.

i couldnt help reminiscing the past when it was just the 3 of us. me, azly, afiq.

where we would ronda2 around the area, checking out the chicks, and juz chilling.

no. we werent like the majority of juveniles making a mess out of the place, and making fools out of themselves.
we were cool, in all senses, and i daresay, we definitely made heads turn with our silent charm.

the night ended when i had to go down at khatib, but not before planting a kiss on her forehead which was on my shoulder.

:)

yes. some good times had passed me, and perhaps, may never come back.
and now, im looking forward to the best times of my life with her by my side.

mercurial.man

2008-07-29T22:44:00.003+08:00

doing up a cause for thyselves
the quest to be different
or at least, to express the same old mundane things
in perspectives that stretch beyond the common
what's good about the same old same old rite?
u want to stand out
yet yr attempts make u the same like the rest
in the end, thy wordy arrangement are nothing more than traces of ink
nothingness and inconsequence
nothing more.
- for those who wish to sound sophisticated and beyond the ordinary, or even mysterious, or whatever they know theyre essentially not. ;)

i need the spark to ignite.

soon.

i want my Nur.
i need my Nur.

hmm. when a want, becomes a need.
it used to be okay when it wasnt there.
after a while though, u cant live without it.
or at least, you'd feel lost.

i was lost.
the compass turned upside down, and the earth started spinning funny.

the recalibration was rough.
yet it woke me up.

she'd be there, whenever i want her to be.
though perhaps not always physically.

and silence does not necessarily mean absence.
thats what i was told.

thing is, we both haf different styles of expressing ourselves.
shes more succinct. and im more... let juz say, elaborative. haha
so whats the remedy?...
perhaps, our mere presence is enough.

i love you nur...
@>/--

oh yeah.
a lil of narrative updates: today i was the mercury man. and i learnt how to handle the mastrena. and my store is the first in asia-pacific to be graced by its presence.
dah. tu je. :P

7.mths

2008-07-17T11:36:00.003+08:00

Pic.taken.in.the.train (otw.to.sending.her.home.yesterday)

its our 7.month.versary today. :)
.
.
.
(jgn.terperanjat.eh)
.
.
.
.
.
.

a kiss for my love.! (heheh)

i love u nur.

yours.truly,
Khairi

love.this.feeling

2008-07-12T00:43:00.005+08:00

picture taken while we had our first break during the dusk period. unfortunately, my humble N70 couldnt do justice to the magic and visual miracle we managed to experience. rite there and then, you would agree with me that the scene was absolutely... beautiful. though id haf to add on, juz another impromptu creation of His, that gives a very small preview of His wonders.

Another day passed with only images and memories of her floating around in my head.
soo cant wait to bersua muka this sunday.
ade jemputan kahwin.

the class today was about fine, like yesterday.

but what struck me today was my overdue realisation,

which came while i was chatting up my fellow new baristas-in-the-making classmates,
about themselves, and the things they're doing in life now,

that a higher level of sincerity kicks in when we expect/demand nothing from the other party we are interacting with.

i was really surprised at how friendly and "smooth" i can be with new people.
seeing or letting ppl be shy and reserve themselves is one thing,
but to see that we are actually facilitating positively to breaking the ice and awkwardness amongst a group of people that had never known each other,

it is well... a very nice feeling.

"how do u noe u never and dont expect anything from someone? what they say or do that make u dun expect anything?... humility? listening?" - a particular cuban native asks.

my spontaneous reply was,
"coz ure open to any consequences. appreciate the diverse ideas and tots. from any class or backgrd. for me at least. its interesting how one behaves if u approach as a fren."

happy to say,
yeah,
i was the muse in the court, or class.
giving off that positive vibe, needed to provide a relaxing working environment.

made acquaintance to almost all the baristas not from my own outlet,
and particularly,
managed to typically hit it off well with another Malay dude.

the 2 days have been a revelation, in a way i discovered a side of me i tot rarely exist.
about opening up, and being sincere in knowing another,
and accepting them as the way they are,
and not juz imposing them yr ideas,
or lookin for some trivial intellectual debate, or stepping of heads.

the art of gratifying another, and not just yourself, is indeed noble, and the fact that it does make a positive difference to someone else, is satisfiying to the do-er himself. :)

i guess, mutual respect is indeed a valuable thing.

so starbucks aint tt bad of a thing after all.
at least it attempts to show a humane side,
and interestingly,
profit-making is the last, and not 1st priority in its mission statement, and guiding principles.

it is its staff, or more accurately, partners, which hold more importance.

to add another ting, knowing others of a different backgrd is indeed refreshin.
it makes u realise that life has really much more than juz the usual shit tt u face every day.

alhamdullilah, that He permitted me to realise all these juz now.
:)

oh yeah.
one more revelation.

apple slurpee and clover ciggs.
pure dope.
and for that moment,
i achieved a form of nirvana.

i cant wait for sunday.
i cant wait to meet my Nur.
i cant wait to caress the side of her face and look deep into her eyes.
coz i love her, and i miss her so.

haf a great time living everyone, and god bless. :)

she inai-ed her hand. :)

barista.1st.day

2008-07-09T23:47:00.003+08:00

"insecurity is the devil's playground"

i shalt not fall.
i shalt be firm.

fear.
the irrational being of reluctance to face a certain possibilty that may not even happen, but might.

like finding a job, and eventually clinching it, to actually working it.
amongst other things

went for my first training this evening, and like an anticipating smoke stuck in the gutters of stomach's attic, it all managed to came out calm and smooth.

anxiety, it comes to you choking, and when it leaves, the relief that replaces it is comparable to a soothing breeze that caresses your warm face.

i shalt be optimistic.
and
i shalt conquer.

though im now part of an american commercial empire that we know of as starbucks, instead of letting it rule me, ill be making use of it.

or at least, thats just an apparent illusion that it would want me to believe.

but whatever.
i need the experience, and i need the extra income.

:)

thanks nur, for nudging me along.
guess id still be rotting away in oblivion if we hadnt had that stormy conversation.

i love you.
always.

@>/--

in celebration of our 200th day together (blush), with the NTU gang. ;)
the.incomplete.soci.crew.from.NTU

ducktour.slides

2008-07-07T16:02:00.001+08:00

ducktour.and.truck

2008-06-30T21:10:00.000+08:00

30th June 2008 / 2000
Here I am, at Capitol Tower’s Starbucks, waiting for my lovely Nur to end off her night class at about 930pm or so.Wanted to surf the Internet, but somehow, I could not log in successfully even with numerous attempts.
So now, Ive contented to myself being just offline, in a Wireless@SG area, neither knowing if it is my lappie, or the network that is at fault.
And now im blogging on my Word, so as to be published later when I am at home.
In front of me is my all-time fave caramel frapp, and a microwaved turkey and portebello sandwich. (bukan belo eh. Tsk. )
My lovely Nur made a sweet, or rather torturing *in jest* gesture of doing up a surprise for me last Saturday. And at that time, it had been a very long time since anyone else last made a real surprise for me. J
On Saturday, she asked me out, for our monthly “Special” date. Not to say that every other time which we went out is not special by itself la kan, but we always make it a point to have ourselves one of those proper dates, and not just meeting each other after work/school. One of the little things, to keep our relationship special.
This time round, she totally made it a surprise for me, and not letting me know where we were headed.
No clue, no hints, and on my part, I simply had no idea.
And then, ade lah kite mati2 ingat we watching a movie or sumthin. Coz by the way she was acting, I guessed correctly that we had to chase for a timing, and so I thought a movie la kan.
What else could it be right, especially at Suntec?
From the MRT, all the way along the Citylink, and inside the Suntec building itself, we were rushing like mad, and like all those other times when people are in a rush, somehow everything else seemed to move in slow motion and on our part, we “noticed” things like how other people had no sense of spatial awareness (like stopping abruptly in the middle of a passageway).
Just as we were about to reach the destination, after much pestering and nudging from me about we heading and what we gonna do, she finally let me in on a clue.
“It starts with the letter ‘D’ .”
And then just as it occurred to me what was it, we reached where we supposed to be heading.
The place was the Ducktour ticketing booth.
No wonder she kept on saying, “I told you once that I only wanted to do this together with you.”
:P. Ok. So I forgot. But luckily I forgot kan, kalau tak, it aint a surprise anymore rite? :P heheh
(and I bet at this point of time as she’s reading this for the first time, in her heart, she would e going like, “hah... yelah tu...”) abg tau k!
And so we waited, and while waiting, we took pictures of each other, not knowing what was to come next.
As soon as we boarded the amphibian vehicle, we found out that the camera’s battery was dead flat. L and so we were forced to be contented with Nur’s handphone camera (mine was spoilt). But we didn’t let that hamper our excitement.
For the few minutes, we let ourselves become tourists in our own homeland, and especially yours truly. Heheh.
I decided to be enthusiastic, and for once, throw away the cynical and pessimistic get up of mine.
Nur also got into the act sportingly, and she started off giving one of her most manje smile ever, that left me melting like crazy, when the tour guide requested all the passengers who were sitting at the window to “show me your teeth”. Heheh.
Not long after, we soon went into the water, but not before a bumpy sensation all over. It felt like a normal boat ride, but it was different, and special, coz im with her, and it was my first time ever being on a boat at the singapore river.
(at this point of writing, ive successfully logged onto the wireless network. Finally! But imam continue typing on word anyways. And in between of typing, im helping myself with slices of that dish, which by now is hard and cold.)
(just as I was about to resume typing, I was told to fill up a form by the store manager. Yes. Im applying as a starbucks barista) J
I couldn’t really describe explicitly how I felt totally, but to put it simply, I was happy, jus to be with her.
And we even won ourselves those duck whistles. Heheh.
After that, we went to toys r us, to get a present for one of Nur’s favourite students, Nazirul, and there, she got to see the child side of me still existing, yet not always obvious.
Reminisced those times when I was at any toys shop, and I would be wishing if only I can buy all the toys that are on sale, and becoz we are getting a toy present for a six year old child, I decided to use my experience on what is best thing that he may really want. *ahem* (experience kaper???!!!)
First, we considered the power rangers megazord, something I felt was the only power ranger toy worth having, but the price of it scared us away. Heheh. Then it was a lego technic of a car, but decidedly it was still to complicated for a six year old kid, even for an Iman kid. :P:P:P
Then we considered a radio controlled Ferrari, but looking at how he’s still a kid, he wouldn’t recognise the significance of the Ferrari brand.
We settled on a radio controlled monster truck, coz its big, and its pretty direct to use. It seemed child-proof to me, meaning, tahan lasak, or resistant to “rough play”... uuh. Whatever la khairi :P
Soon after, to satiate our growling stomachs, we had a meal at pizza hut at marina square, where again, we made another edition of Pustek Productions (:P) and where we also bumped into a colleague of hers, who somehow ive always bumped into someplace else.
It was getting late, and we still had to go to Nazirul’s place that very evening, and so we took a cab there.
It was nice meeting Nazirul’s family. He has a younger brother, and honestly, I find the brother much more endearing than himself, coz sadly, he reminds me of me. The older sibling who always has the last say. And the one who would always be the one dividing up “property rights”. A little bit evil, dominant, but oh well, guess thats only natural aint it.
Of coz, they were damn excited when we presented to them the truck, and the wrapping paper was laid to waste right there and then. The parents were cool, and im guessing theyre the educated types. And I foresee ill be like Nazirul’s dad, juz a lil more firm and laying the rules as soon as the boy is able to understand me. *looks at Nur. :X*
While Nur was busy chatting about kindergarten stuff with the parents, I was busy observing the antics of the brothers. Really really interesting, and it left me with a fuzzy wuzzy feeling, and past hues about my own past.
God. The whole “show” was like my own. Tapi, tu dulu la kan.
Before long, it was time to go, and I sent her home.
Someway somehow though, both me and Nur larling couldn’t get enough of each other. ;)
Thanks for the wonderful surprise sayang, and it still touches me still that u still even bother to do up these little surprises for me.
Even with the bumps along the road, Im guessing that the journey will only get better and more gratifying, only with His permission of course.
I love you Nur. Always.
@>/--
*oh look, its 2108 already. I better pack up soon. J*
Wait.
Muacks!~

missing.you.so.bad

2008-06-21T01:05:00.004+08:00

picture editted by Muslihah, taken at Iman Woodgrove by her some time back. :)

ok. i cant sleep.

thinking back what had happened so far since tuesday.

never knew that the pain could feel this bad.

the pain of missing someone.
someone whom u love.

someone whom u regard as being the one.

missing so bad, that it actually hurts.

yeah. she was busy. i could haf made myself understand that sooner and better.

but no. i didnt.

lost. restless. irritated.

i shall console myself with this thought.

God wants to challenge us.

there's always a blessing in disguise in every bad thing that come our way.

and yeah. me goin off to Mersing with my family, though a temporary reprieve from this mad island we call home, obviously do not help in the situation.

but i shall grab what i can.

perhaps we need to miss each other this bad.

i take it as a renewal or recharge of some sorts.

urgh.

im gonna miss u damn bad now.

I love you, Nur.

Yours Always,

Khairi aka Tekdee aka papa.jahat aka Abang

@>/--

half.a.year

2008-06-18T01:13:00.003+08:00

it was our six months anniversary yesterday. whaddya noe, its already half a year! gosh.

picture taken at boat quay at 6.47pm with my N70 yesterday. we saw sunrays distinctively coming through the cleavages in between the clouds. and sadly, this is the only picture that ive managed to save, as the other pictures have been accidentally deleted by me. haiz.

...

Baby, it has always been a blessing for me to have you being part of my life. for all the many trials and tribulations that we have encountered together, let us take to heart that all that will make us stronger.

God-willing, we shall last till the end of time. ( yeah. we are THAT optimistic. JGN JELES! ) heheh

I love you syg! *muacks*

ok. now, i shall look forward to her blog posting on what transpired yesterday. :)

battered.heart

2008-06-16T17:27:00.004+08:00

a few more hours, when my wifey be stepping onto singapore shores again. it aint even two days, yet im missing her like crazy.

its not like we hav never seen each other for more than 2 days. but somehow, knowing that she aint on this island, has this unspoken effect of making heart miss her more and more every second.

"I need you boo
I gotta see you boo
And there's hearts all over the world tonight
Said there's hearts all over the world tonight..."

and so my mobile rang. It was her local number.
haa. dah sampai pun. hehe.

ok2. not a few hours. a few more seconds.

im soo looking forward to chat with her tonyte.

:)
oh yeah. currently im so into this song. thanks to wifey.
i love you. *muacks!~*

*Di bawah bulan purnama
Dipagar bintang beribu
Hatiku terasa ria
Kekanda di samping daku

**Di bawah bulan purnama
Di waktu malam yang sunyi
Sungguh terasa nikmatnya
Dibuai cinta berahi

Kanda muda remaja
Pujaan di hati dinda
Tempat dinda bermanja
Menhbur hati nan lara

Dinda rangkaian nyawa
Penyuluh di hati beta
Tempat kanda bercanda
Hilangkan segala duka

*
**

*
**

Adinda tetap setia
Di hati tidak berubah
Tidak dua tidak tiga
Kandalah cahaya mata

Demi kanda berjanji
Bulan bintang bersaksi
Namun hati tetap cinta
Dinda adalah juwita

*
**

friday.the.13th.is.RED

2008-06-14T00:34:00.005+08:00

(heheh. sorry guys, but i juz haf to upload this. :P:P:P)

fuzz & rush

had abit of a chilling session at BK, and the mamak shop at KOEK Rd. if i hadnt had the hearty meal earlier at Amirah's Grill, i would haf stuffed myself with the mutton chop there

pure dope

picture taken while waiting for my syg to hand in her assignment and print her class schedule
at the starbucks underneath her school's building
(in case anyone is wondering, this picture is taken with my N70. AUTO!)
:P

kak norsiah (tabby) and nur at Bussorrah St
gave us the way overdue treat at Amirah's Grill, for both the semesters that i went thru
along the way, exchanged a bit of life experiences, especially when it comes life in the work place
pretty left me awed and a lot to ponder upon
experience is pretty useful when it comes to anticipating whatever the future brings u
perhaps that is why, somehow, i seem to have a lot of more mature individuals as friends to share experiences with, k syg? :P:P:P
:)

kak norsiah and yours truly
one of the first kakak2 that i get noe in AM :)
one of doz who has helped me gain priceless perspectives about life
though it was rarely that got to met her every now and then, somehow evertime we get to meet up, we always have something to chat about
and this is only the 2nd time that i had a proper meal with her, and this time, i brought along my sayang, jus so to let her noe who has been my special one for the past 5mths

last but not least, yours truly, mr tekdee aka abang aka papa.jahat aka purple.hustle
(muhammad khairi bin md nor) and his one and only sayang aka puspawangi aka nur aka baby aka mummy.naughty :P
almost ended the night in the most explosive and painful manner, but thank god, managed to end it off in the most right way, leaving us both much more bonded, and restrengthened our commitment for each other
yes, both of us are like totally the opposite of one another
she with her soft outlook on life, and me with the hard-ground-based rationality
however so, she brings me happiness and peace when my heart is filled with rage, and vice versa
our own quirky natures make our two beings complementary
even with all the obstacles and difficulties facing us, im confident of us overcoming them so long as we haf belief in ourselves
only with His help, of course
and yeah, like how Poh's duck father tells him, "there is no secret ingredient." (Kungfu Panda)

It is all in us.

flaming.and.burning

2008-06-08T23:14:00.013+08:00

Just before the event, Yusuf took this picture. "Bouncer", "Tok Kadi", "Pak indon" dan lain-lain lagi.

During event, saya sempat jadi seorang cam-whore, just for my sayang. heheh

A Pathway on a Rooftop at Night. :)

Picture taken while loaning out AVA items from CED in school. A nify place to loan things out. Any student thinking of coming up with a film production, get your equipment here, on the cheap. :)
Erm. Check out the underlying message though.

My sayang, on my shoulders, while going home from Sentosa, after a Family Day carnival. Love this one. :)

Okay. Dont look at the empty stands. Look at the clouds.

Clouds 2

Jason, in the heat of the adrenaline pumping into his brains. And the match had not even started yet. haha.

Azly, as chilled as ever.

Khairi. Cheekiness, the unorthodox way.

Twin.Lights

There werent too many people that came, when SG was thrashed 3-7 by the Uzbeks. But, as Yusuf proclaimed,"it was worth the 3 bucks!" I will try it, the student pass trick, during the next match.

Direct marketing.

Sayang, at the alleyway.

Sultan Mosque, in its maghrib grandeur.

Time stood still for her as everything else moved.

Waiting for the Moment. I love the light effects the fountain created. Oh yeah, this was at the 'Gotham' building.

Me and Nur, in sheer ecstacy with one another. purr!~

moving.Lights At the temporary bus-stop where i would always wait for 965/969 otw home from her place.

got myself this beauties. :)

gosh. ayu sungguh matair aku nie.

"Abang! pukul brape nie nak sampai??!!"

fast and furious action, right here at T3. "bersih eh lantai die""A ah! boleh golek2, jilat2 lagi!" ish. ish.

rilek.one.korner reinvented.

dreaming of who aje tau nie?

I LOVE THIS PIC TOO!! one of my faves. childlike innocence, and keselengean dan cuteness, fused into 1. heheh

waiting.still

HA. dah sampai pun!

"Lawa la tu"

rilek aje. :P

ish. tu jambul bedek ke betul tu???

"dah lah tu. malu la abang!!"

"sempat main hide and seek pulak!"

nie bukan seksi, tapi... tapi... seksa!

neon.emulator

Wippee! dessert dah sampai!

haiz. nak suapkan pulak. bertuah sungguh aku nie.

At her place before going out

"Main2 tau!!!'

alah. Malu la saye.

beautiful.

Aargh! asyik nak kiss aje!

As im typing this, i juz realised that there was a hand behind me. buat spoil aje la!

my.syg

her new crocs, and my new etnies

dalam train, sempat set rambut! matair sape aje la nie? ish ish.

end of danstari.

Pic.editted by Muslihah, my sister.

To cover everything that had happened, will take a whole lotta pages and words, and though records may seem beneficial, in terms of the need to reflect every now and then, whatever ive felt and went thru, will be etched in my mind. And so, ill try to summarise for the benefit of convenience.

Indeed, there are both the bad and the good.
For the bad, i would certainly learn from them, and overcome them.
For the good, indeed, moments that me smile will always remind me of life's shortness. I would rather smile, than frown. Being angry/disappointed doesnt do much more than just adding wrinkles to your skin.

Thank God, the NTUMS dinner was fine enough, and if not for my sayang's support, i wouldnt have gone thru it still sane. Her patience and support for me only makes love her more and more. @>/--

And yes.
Saturday's series of incidences before Danstari, which was pointed out by Nur, reminded me that hey, no matter how much we think we are in control, the big guy upstairs still have a major say.
Not to say that im blaming him la kan, but im sure he wants me to realise something, by delaying our arrival there.
The late bus, late MRT, non-existent taxi, traffic jam, the near accident incident in the cab which left me and her almost flying through the front, the accident scene, and the mistaken destination.
All, too good (or bad) to be true.

Life is too short to hate and be mad. (even though im not the most non-temperamental person around, doesnt hurt to remind myself and perhaps yourself too aint it. ;) )
Live and let live, coz you will never know when you will go.

The ultra painful confusion and disappointment that came when the fateful meeting happened disappeared later on into the night.
A newfound optimism was found, and between me and my love, with His Permission, we strive to be there for one another. Patience is definitely a helpful tool, and not all can be patient with our own idiosyncracies and flaws. I sincerely hope, and pray that both of us can be patient with each other.

Nothing is destined or final.
Im looking forward what will be achieved in the future.
Anything can happen, and so long as we remain steady, we will get what we want.

I end off this post with a simple quote by Han, a character in Tokyo Drift : Fast and Furious,

"Life is simple. You make choices, and you dont look back..."

2.wheel.dreams

2008-05-22T23:14:00.003+08:00

VRSCDX NIGHT ROD SPECIAL

It is okay and not wrong to dream, isnt it? It gives you the light of direction of where youre supposed to be heading.
Materialistic indulgence is not wrong by itself.
(okay. now im going away from my socialist ideologies)
The Harley Davidson brand of motorcycles has always captured my boyhood imagination since way back, more than i can remember.
There is something about its the revving sound that it makes, even when its not moving.
Almost life-like, yet the surrealism it forms comes in the physique of mere steel and a series of ever precise combustion of fuels into that movable energy.
Imma get the one above for the city streets.
And when im high and dry with what the urban forces can offer, wifey and me gon' be ripping up the major highways in the world with the one below, with barely any worry in the world.

FLHTCU ULTRA CLASSIC ELECTRA GLIDE

hmm. material dreams, in a material world.
something for mere amusement.
pretty harmless right.

;)

What Khairi Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.

You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.

People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

pictur.ed

2008-05-22T10:38:00.003+08:00

each.other's
somehow, this picture of her is my favourite. :)
Hm. when was this? Ouh ya. This was just before my Spanish exam. pic.taken.by.RUSH
The cat that decided to camp with us a CAMP.Blast.Off at Masjid Penempatan Melayu Sembawang. Pic taken as i was abt to sleep. It snuggled up to me just as I was lying down. Nasib baik tak penyek.
The feline patron of the Mosque. Tried to chase away the other cat, which was from someplace else, but gave up along the way.
Pic taken some time back. Waiting for the train, and nothing to do.
somehow, the pic made it seem like the day is not sunny. it was. took it after a walk to the seletar dam from my home.
.
I miss my honey buneyz so soo much.
Tu lah. nak sangat rasa rindu kan.
Now, cannot tahan. How?
;)

the.devil

2008-05-21T18:35:00.000+08:00

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

itulah.sayang

2008-05-19T21:57:00.001+08:00

"Tanya pada pokok, apa sebab goyang
nanti jawab pokok angin yang goncang
tanya sama langit, apa sebab hujan
nanti jawab langit, tanya lah awan

Awan nanti kata, aku kandung air
sampai tempat sejuk, aku pun cair
tengok dalam air, nampak bayang-bayang
campak satu batu, bayang pun hilang

Tanya sama hati, apa asal sayang
apakah tandanya nampak di pandang
kumbang rayu bunga
bulan dan bintangnya
punya tanda-tanda hubungan mesra

Tanya sama hati
pernahkah merindu
ingat masa lena apa mimpimu
masa berjauhan
apa nan dikenang
bila difahamkan itulah sayang

Jikalau tidak kerana sayang
kuntuman kasih tak mungkin kembang
andainya jemu mengganti rindu
jambangan mesra tentulah layu

Tanya sama hati
pernahkah merindu
ingat masa lena apa mimpimu
masa berjauhan
apa nan dikenang
bila difahamkan itulah sayang
itulah sayang..."

P Ramlee and Normadiah

vacuum.adventure!

2008-05-08T10:08:00.003+08:00

i was cursing and swearing under my breath, about wanting to get a new vacuum cleaner for the household.
all the while, i thought the sucking power of that thing originally sucked.
"urgh! u cant even suck properly!"
"kau dah kenape sak?!"
(examples, even though i know its futile)
although air was going in, it couldnt even suck in half of a honey-star.

a lightbulb suddenly flashed.
its not the vacuum power that was at fault.
from what i could see, i found out that there were too many things that were too big for the elephant-like trunks.
loads of them stuck at the every end.

stupid me tried disposable chopsticks.
aleh2, perasan, it wouldnt possibly reach the middle area, and what if theres way more inside.
i decided to flush it all out using water.
full blast.
and bit by bit, all the miscellaneous things start to get out.
scotch tape, paper clips la, and surprisingly, clumps of hair.
so my vacuum cleaner is allergic to hair.

pfft.

ring

2008-05-02T11:28:00.004+08:00

Tuesday, 29th April 2008

"Syg, cn i ask u out on a date tdy? Hehe..."

and so i received this sms from her while i was doing my godforsaken housework in the morning which never seem to end.
and so, i obliged.
kalau tak, nak kata ape pulak kan. :P
and so, i met her at work.
coincidentally, its the last day for her "Mum".
knowing that she was abit sad and hampered and all, i decided to put in the extra effort to make her smile, not that i never do so la at other times. heheh.
the wait seemed to take forever.
the moment shes out, my heart went "woah", like everytime my eyes lay themselves on her.

"hmm. yang, where we going?" "tanak bilang, its a surprise."
and so, i couldnt get my answer.
all the way to our destination, i wasnt at ease.
i kept bugging her for an answer, yet she stubbornly told me off.
and so, for most of the journey, i sulked, or at least, tried to.
initially, i thought we gonna be ending up at orchard, then she said no. ok fine.
then in the mrt, just as we about to reach yishun, she told me,
"okay, dah sampai"
and im like "huh, ookaay..."
and thus this gendeng tek of hers get ready nak alight.
nasib baik tak keluar pintu, coz she landed herself on an available seat instead.
i tercengang skejap, trying to assess the situation. ..
ouh. rupernyer ive been punked.
tho simple, it left me feeling,... well, punk'd.
then i kept bugging her for our destination, cause im someone who never likes uncertainty, and certainly would love to know where im going, always.
AMK, and the train stopped. it was the last stop for the ride.
thought we gonna be waiting for another one, but nooo, she went down the stairs.
and then im like "okay, so its AMK hub then"
she kept on walking, and walking, away from the underground pass to AMK hub.
we reached the bustop opposite, and we waited.
and she still refused to give me a clue at all.
we took a bus, but i forgot what number.
and so, the suspense grew, so so much that i felt like a bursting balloon.
"thomson plaza?" "bishan?" "toa payoh?" "novena square?"
all the time, i only got that "tanak bilang!"
then the bus turned into stevens road.
something told me, hmm, memang kite nak pergi orchard.
member masih nak deny nie!
before long, far east plaza loomed ahead.
and so the suspense ended. phew.
but she still didnt tell me where we gonna be our dinner.
this time round, im not letting her make me wonder, coz i know.
"kite nak pergi ramen-ten kan?"
"huh? mcm mane abg tau nie...! :("
and so die merengek. alah. tapi rengek manje je. kan kan? hehe
she got to see my inefficiency with chopsitck, and i gotta ask for a fork and spoon.
i had a bento meal, while she had what i had during the first time i went there long long ago.
(yes. i forgot the names of the dishes)
while waiting for the food, she presented me with a card.
with a big "I LOVE U!" in bold rite at the front.
oh em gee.
touched ade, terharu ade, malu pun ade.
coz i never make any one of those cards for her before.
and including this one, she made 2 for me already.
(pics will be put up soon.)

god, her sweetness totally floored me, yet the modest way of she giving it to me made me fall in love with her even more.
after dinner, we took a stroll along orchard road, heading towards perlini's silver at taka.
but it was already closed.
for a while, we didnt know what to do. coz it was still early, and we didnt want to go home yet.
our feet brought us to borders.
where we browsed, and even reminisced about the books we read when we were younger.
got ourselves three books.
afterwhich, we had difficulty in finding a cab.
had to walk all the way to the building beside orchard towers, and that only after we got ourselves some drinks from the 7-11 beside hilton.
that was the first time since a very long time i walked along the HRC area late at night.
she only got to know that orchard towers is considered a redlight district for expats that night.
heheh. innocent la this baby of mine. :P
soon, we got a cab, and i sent her home. :)

Wednesday, 30th April 2008
on this day, was my turn to inflict the painful suspense that i had to go through the day before.
initially, i told her that we would be watching a movie.
but i didnt tell her where.
suddenly it occured to me, why not do sumthin special.
and i decided upon a sunset.
and so i asked around.
and i got a myriad of answers.
mount faber.
kent ridge park.
east coast. east?
siloso.
and someone even mentioned the hill beside darul makmur. (one day, ill check it out k bro. :P)
at the same time, i gave myself some other back up plans, just in case time runs out on me.
and so i met her.
i was a lil late. of all days, i had to be late on a day im supposed to plan for the date.
sowie baby. :(
anyol hoots, she became anxious herself.
and i still wouldnt let up.
for a bit.
mcm tak sampai hati gitu.
haiz.
took train all the way to bugis.
i was eyeing this ring at, again, perlini's silver, which i saw on its website. but the rings that were available there didnt seem to suit my liking. at all. urgh.
after a bit of contemplating, we decided the rings do not look good enough.
then we had dinner.
at swensen's.
heheh. where i think we had fun. :P
she had mac and cheese, while i had the half chicken.
and those cheese sticks.
oh em gee.
scintillating.
beside us, there were this munjen family, with a lil boy. but it seemed like the father was the one seeking attention. and on the floor to my left, there was a smiling star staring up to my being.
must be the child.
while waiting for the dessert, that fondue thingy, we had a bit of ol-skool fun, heheh.
we played the thumb wrestling game, which i must admit, she is rather good in.
better than me at least. hehe.
i won, and that only after i cheated. pfft!
then, we played arm-wrestling. which, she beat me during the left-arm round. dangs.
after that, we played the hand-slapping game.
and this time, no mercy given.
other than the occasional squels and yelps, and that constant exclamations of pain,
i left her with two red hands, both inside and outside. heheh
all that, took about half and hour.
yes. it took that long.
she wanted me to cancel the order, but the gendeng me did otherwise, and so we waited.
heheh.
it was the first swensen fondue for the both of us.
and the fire kept going out.
irritating.
before we knew it, we were done.
went to couple of rings' shop, and initially after liking what we saw, we were disappointed to know it would take 3 days. and the ones available then only have 3, and they all didnt look good at all.
we walked, and walked.
and we arrived at 77th street. with no intention of getting a ring there.
then both our eyes saw those rings, and decidedly so, it was love at first sight, without any words being spoken.
we tried it on, and it looked good. and so we got it.
hehe. :)
and yeah. i signed up for the membership card at the same time, and i got a pass admitting 2 to MOS.
for thurdays.
so guys, once u read this, call me.
the first will receive it. :P
more strolling, and more in bugis village.
i was only looking forward to standing underneath the mother of all fans. heheh.
then it was time to go.
and the queue. oh the queue.
terrifying. and the temperature aint helping.
even chatted with a afro guy studyin in malaysia.
asked me take care of his queue space, while he went to the money changer.
then i got to find out he's going to a geylang hotel.
"to meet a friend".
right.
the taxi couldnt come soon enough.
man. the aircon.
exhilarating.

so yeah. those were the 2 dates which were done consecutively.
:)
thanks for the wonderful time baby..
as for the sunset, well, perhaps, another time aite. ;)
muacks!

splash.on.my.face

2008-04-28T18:27:00.005+08:00

no matter how much we try not to cock up the show, sometimes, it just doesnt work for us.
for all my perfectionistic, analytical, and scrutinising ways, i certainly didnt see whatever that had happened in the morning coming.
yes.
i am flawed, still.
there are still chinks and loose screws here and there in my being.
at the end of the day, i am fallible.

yeah. it takes a few tears, an aching heart and a mighty one hella scare for me to realise that.
problem is, would you be patient enough with me?

the call that u gave me just before my cultured exam told me that you would, and for that im thankful. really really am.

the relief was indescribable, and yet i kept on thinking, what if you had just given up on me.
if not then, what if in the future?
yeah. the future is wide and unknown, hidden from our eyes.
but something inside tells me that you would, always be patient with my idiotic ways.

and i cant promise you i wont cock up the show again, coz i noe im not one who learn mistakes easily, or at least, not do a mistake with a similar nature again.
coz i know myself better, i think, and im not one who is NOT ever to repeat the same mistake again.
im not that perfect of a person to make that kind of promise.

maybe its just me, maybe thats how the real khairi works; he'd think that he's always right, then, not able to take in the anger, he'd just shoot whatever that comes from within his mouth. yeah. some of u reading may just be smirking rite now, coz a couple of close ones haf experienced the effects and after-effects of my fcuked up laserness,

but he never... never... ever mean to hurt. especially those that he really loves.
so please, do bear myself on this point.

and yeah. i can only offer you my apology. what else can i offer? the deed has already been done.
i can only ask that you be patient with me, and not take this as the end of the world, coz its not.
both of us being mad at each other doesnt mean the love between us is lesser.

i know. it would be hard for you to just put this behind us, by the look on yr face when we met briefly in the train just now.

and like all other wounds ive created, time will heal them.
only time will...

"Nothing can separate us. Nothing."
yeah. nothing would...
i love you Nur.
@>/--

fire.power

2008-04-20T18:48:00.004+08:00

You are intense, internally driven, and passionate.
Your emotions are unpredictable - and they often get the better of you.
Both radiant and terrifying, people are drawn to you.
At your most powerful, you feel like the world belongs to you.
Why you would be a good superhero: You are obsessive enough to give it your all
Your biggest problem as a superhero: Your moodiness would make it difficult to control your powers
What Should Your Superpower Be?

hmm. and i told her id love to have invisibility powers.
goes to show, what we want, doesnt necessarily be in line with what we would be.
not that ill have a fire superpower of course.
but really, being invisible, also allows me, to transcend my boundaries.
i would be able to travel without any passport.
board on any plane or ship without being detected.
jumper-wise, juz a bit slower.
but still, u can do things without consequences.
only then, would be u be able to indulge in the tourist tradition.
only backfall would be, u only haf yrself to rely on. no frens, no one ud be sure of trusting.
hmm. but wait.
we do haf only ourselves to rely on.

hmm.

smiling.moon

2008-04-19T23:24:00.003+08:00

"Sing your way home
at the close of the day...
Sing your way home,
drive the shadows away.
Smile every mile
For wherever you roam
It will brighten your road,
It will lighten your load,
If you sing your way home."

life's a joke.
laugh it off and everythin will be okay.
"haha"

today, the full moon is on.
stare at it.
let yr mind wander.
allow yr tribal senses to grow.

:)

so what's love?
hm. entah.
am i feeling it?
id like to believe so. ;)

comfort.hurts

2008-04-17T18:28:00.002+08:00

comfort hurts.

the irony of it is quite obvious.
still, what gives me the right to even say it as ironic?
just because the two concepts cant go in line with one another?

looking beyond the surface,
it hurts when the inertia within us decides to stay put and conquer.
thus, affecting our sense of mobility and movement when it comes to maneuvering between sets of actions or thoughts.
change disorientates us.
especially when we are already in a spot that gives us the orgasmic euphoria.

hmm.
orgasms?
theyre temporary.
after that, its juz falling into a black hole, and u wondered, "why did i even bother?"

so yeah.

im going nowhere in this i noe.
same like me, ure pretty helpless and directionless too.
in the end, we end up turning to dust.

http://anakmelayu.com/blogs/blog.php?id=90753

:)

oh yeah.
its already 4 months ey?
and yeah.
the honeymoon period is still on, and will forever be. Amin.
@>/--

lifted.high

2008-04-09T10:40:00.004+08:00

Us on the chairlift at sentosa. 6th April 2008.
:)
i dont like heights. but i dun necessarily am scared of it. *bluek*
...
the night before, for the first time ever, the geng met up with my Puspawangi.
everything seemed to be okay. if everyone else was nervous, then me? tak nervous? heheh.
looking forward to our first proper outing ever.
bowling anyone???
...
hmm. dah khairi. jgn berangan banyak sangat.
exams dah dekat tu!
*bleargh*
...
I love you, my beloved Geng! heheh
.
I love you Nur. :)
@>/--

full.view.of.pic

intelli.faith

2008-04-01T18:49:00.004+08:00

PH cakap on 01.04.08:

intelligence is not fixed.
its ever moldable, and can be always be improved upon.
geniuses are never born. theyre always geniuses thru sheer hardwork and humility.
reason why some prodigies go down the drain?
theyre more concerned with looking intelligent rather than being one.
faith is also moldable.
good today, does not necessarily mean good tommorrow. :)

...
on Sufiah Yusof.
May the light shine on herand the worst of us, including myself.
...

oh yeah.
its Rushdy's birthday.
hmm.
fools are we all not?
but i guess the cake was worth it. :)

gosh.
the moment she stepped out of the building, a whole lotta wave of ecstacy just swamped upon my being.
the smile.
the all-manja smile.
man.
:)

...

i love you Nur.
many2.
heheheh.

100

2008-03-27T00:08:00.005+08:00

she gave me an ultra-sweet surprise at marsiling mrt just now.

my.larling pic.taken.by.me.sometyme.back

was engrossed in the smart stupid people book, when suddenly, my nose, which is usually not that sensitive, thought that it had smelled Puspawangi's perfume scent.
i looked towards the sides, takde pun.
then, i actually decided that i was just imagining it. coz she once imagined having smelt my perfume at her night class when i was miles away.
i thought that i prolly i was missing her too god-damned much, thats why.
juz when i wanted to turn back to the book, there was a poke on my side ribs.
lo and behold, she was behind me all along.
no wonder.
hmm. sneaky eh. cheeky eh. entah sape aje yang ajar nie. :P
no. that wasnt the surprise.

now, this is the surprise.
she presented me with a card on the mrt.
tgk lah.! tgk lah.! (see lah.! see lah.!) heheh.

the front.
the wooden.sign
the heart with a purple thingy and a button.
in.side
the purple heart with buttons.

yeah. it was the 100th day of us being together. wee.! hmm. :)

"Baby. Today even tho its nt full moon, its big and brite yellow"
";-) biar la ia menjadi saksi cinta kita. Penyaksi cinta hari keseratus kita"
cair hamba dibuatnyer.

dangs. its juz 4 days khairi.
but still... :( oh well. though far from the eyes, you'll always be near to my heart. heheh.
((update. no. not near. youre already part of.))
(and this also applies to those who consider me as a friend)
really. really. really.~!

cant wait for her to be back.
hmm.

sidetracking a lil bit.
here are some pics. erm. of me? heheh.

neo.1
neo.2

pic courtesy by rush. shades courtesy by fuzz. hehehe

so yeah. hehehe.
and more good news. ill be mtg my bro afiq and sis aisyah this friday, insyallah. i miss them.
loads.
and yeah. singapore won. 2-0. heheh.
and mama was so excited. :) glad she had fun.
and according to her, lebanon didnt play well.
so, wasnt a surprise really.

hmm.
.
.
100. and many many more 100s to come.

i love you.
@>/--

splish.splash

2008-03-25T05:52:00.003+08:00

was there for 111 just to watch the tall guy present for my own amusement.
204 tutorial did not seem to have any bearing on my outlook of life. stupid post-modernists.
stumbled upon the new HSS library.
tall guy and the yours truly were "woah-ed", especially by the sight of the high-tech toilet seat.
2 hr before test, found out that there would be a test. skimmed through the notes. on edventure.
accompanied azim have his meal. i had beef patty sandwich.
water all the way.
slept through 202 lecture.
dazed through 202 test.
zombied with them all the way to the new HSS library.
even borrowed "Why Smart People Can be So Stupid".
braved through the rain to get to Moulana Mosque for maghrib.
but not before being part of the congregation which was hoping not to get wet.
attempted to attain nirvana.
only left after isyak.
splish splash all the way to tanjong pagar.

guess it was worth it.
coz thats the only thing i was looking forward to all day.
juz to have her by my side.
:)

on a bynote: hmm. come to think of it, smart people can become so stupid. perhaps, u can take me as an example. anyone not in my shoes wouldnt understand why in the blue hell would i go through what i went through, juz to see her for that brief moment. well, guess i had my fix. and that alone should suffice. ;)

familia.companera.on.23rd.March

2008-03-23T21:19:00.004+08:00

the weekend that is about to end in about 2hours and 20mins is mostly spent with my beloved family.
no. not mostly. all of it. :)

i didnt get to see my wifey at all.
not even after we had supposedly planned to meet up and look at each other's photos of our very glorious past, from nothing, to diapers, to school, and perhaps, somethings else.
was really looking forward to it, till the moment when i asked my mama if she had any plans then.
thank god my sayang understood.
and ive to say, i feel lucky to haf someone who never fails to reiterate the fact that family ALWAYS come first, no matter what.
i love you nur... :)

always depend on mama to prepare the presents for papa.
i only had to wrap it up.
yes. hopefully the next time, ill get something for him personally.
and ive a confession.
i didnt know that today was my papa's birthday.
yes. go ahead. pour scorn on me. :(
so, to make it up, i decided to make this weekend an all-family weekend.
sat nite, the eve of his birthday, we went to eat at Mad Jack at Jalan Kayu.
and i had Black Pepper Beef Rib Eye.
and papa really expected an eye to be there staring at me.
haha. kekek.
the feeling is nice, having the people that really matters, around me.
though it wasnt really said explicitly, i could see from their faces that my mama and papa were happy that all of their children were able to celebrate together.
to their daughters' delight, there was a stall juz outside selling hello kitty things, and stickers.
oh well.

today.
went to East Coast Beach with papa's mother.
and i slept half the time there under the sun.
sporadically waking up now and then to see whos around and whos not, and also to make sure our possesions were still in place. haha.
yeah. the jaga for the day.
only the daughters went to sample the salt water, and not me, for obvious aesthetic reasons. haha.
they decided to go Expo for a Halal food fair, and looking at how i was only in my freaking black army shorts and my YJC floorball shirt, and my body was already half basi, i decided to juz wait for them at the lorry.
and its not surprising, that i ended up sleeping like a baby.
heheh.

so, thats the gist of my weekend.
my weekend with the family.
Happy birthday Papa!~ :)

and yeah.
this Thursday my sayang is leaving for KL. for a relative's wedding.
sigh.
i wish that i cud tag along, looking at how her father had already asked me to.
but the exams are so damn near now, and also, id only be incurring the wrath of my parents if i were to tag along, and so, there wasn't any question about me going at all.
man.
im really gonna miss my sayang.
:(

ah.
i shud be optimistic.
like the well-known cliche always floating around when two ppl haf to be far away from each other and they need to seek solace in,

"absence makes the heart grow fonder..."

i love you.

@>/--

key.ink.key

2008-03-18T20:41:00.003+08:00

its only inevitable that sooner or later, at some points of our ever mundane lives, we will face some sort of a rut in the head.
thats when God decides to play around with our moldable beings, and test us, to see how far we will go to overcome it.

and irritatingly, it comes in cycles, and more annoyingly still, it comes right after we haf achieved a certain high.
think orgasms.
the low after the high. (hmm. i see u squirming now.)

playdo-ish, if u like.
but really, the way we are are only defined by what we surround ourselves us with.
but, what if, the problem lies in your head.
no. not physical pain.
but rather, think emotional trauma and the like.
so what do u do?

nah. much as how the action in itself is appealing, we cant juz shoot ourselves in the head.
no pain no gain?
nah. ull only gain that one way ticket to hell.
on budget, no less.
(yes. i haf some religious beliefs stuck in me still. haha.)

so to overcome it, i suggest a remedy, that is free (i see eyes giving off that shiny glint), yet simple and portable enuf.
shut yrself off.
dont think too much.
go with the flow.
dun entertain the devil's advocates floating by yr halo.
instead, do things u wont normally do.
like, if ure bitchy by nature, or if u think u r, then tone down a bit. and try to look at things from an alternative perspective.
and vice versa, if ure quite an ignorant self-absorbed dumbass, go read. start with somethin simple. go pick up a copy of the newspaper.
kesimpulannya, do things u wont expect your " normal" selves to do.

you will notice the change would be refreshing enough.
and god-willing, ull get that drive and verve to continue living life again.

stop trying to be normal.
go LIVE.
oh yeah. while im at it, stop depending on others, or worse still, paying them (like some pimp here, or trashy mags that tells u on how to live life).
it numbs yr intellect and yr capacity to be autonomous.
if u noe what i mean, u can start by being critical of what u read or hear, including this entry. haha

:)

oh yeah.
im missing my Puspawangi. badly.
urgh.
ok. now imma go back to my shell.

3.mths

2008-03-18T02:58:00.002+08:00

for sure, ive a lot inside that need to be let go.
but i juz cant find the words to do so.
there are so many things, so many issues.
i dunno where to start, for i am confused.

hmm.
perhaps, i should juz read more.

3 months eh?
hmm.
time sure travels fast.
but at the same time, i find it a bit wee slow.
hmm.
aah.
im totally revelling in this.
and i noe she is too.
:)

i love you Nur.
@>/--

significant.whole

2008-03-05T19:46:00.006+08:00

the past has always made up a few bits and pieces of the present, and even the future.
those hearty chats, with Jas, and Nit, though originally light-hearted in nature, actually made me really giving it a serious ponder afterwards.

like...
"there are no true atheists..." &
"negatives can only produce a positive in the end..." ... are amongst other things which we summed up.

somehow, only now i realise the gravity of importance of why the past, or shall i say, history, is very much studied upon.

and only now, i realise, how "lucky" i am to end up with reading Sociology in university.

yes. i am enlightened. and only God knows on what other things that i'll be enlightened by in the coming semesters till i graduate.

though whatever that came up between Nit and me can be percepted as merely a summary, albeit a rough one, i cant help but to feel that somehow, in some minuscule way, i have everything figured out.

yeah. the biggest picture .that is made up of whole lotta mosaics.
but then again, no large painting is complete without the microscopic details, and the intricate colored, or uncolored strokes that make it up, and it would be of coz, foolish if i were to just be interested in having a hold of the big picture.

which brings me to another point.
some of us forget that we have dual roles to play on this Earth.
though temporary, other than just carrying out spiritual obligations, we also haf to bear in mind the duties that we have on this Earth. for example, the importance of being a loyal citizen of your country.

some people get so caught up in the life of the spiritual, that they forget to be earthly, and vice versa.

its all a matter of balance. the ying, and the yang, if u like.

...

the past.
i was reading thru her previous entries, just the ones that mention me since i entered into her life.
curiousity almost tempted me to read her other ancient entries.
then, as almost as those impulses came on, i decided against it.
yes. the past may help you to understand something better.
it may help teach u a lesson or two.
it may give the big picture of why something is so and so, and not like that and that.
but to do so, would be clouding my own judgments on whatever things that may happen in the future.
indeed, i am in the process of starting afresh, and i do not need any prior knowledge of her past, which may lead me to act in some manner that can be deemed as pre-emptive.
the present and future of someone, does not necessarily depend on what happened to that person in the past.
whats past, is past, as they always say.
and indeed, the future is in my hands, and God's, and not even the stars, or even that god-damned history book will snatch it away from me.

yes. choice.
no matter how much culture plays a part in our actions or words,
at the end of the day, we do have choices to indulge in.

and one thing i noe, though i cant tell the future, and which i am highly assured of, i will make sure that i'll give my all when it comes to her and me.

for, as the present, and god-willing hopefully also in the future, as far as i noe currently, my heart is and will always be hers.

unless of coz, God decides to teach me another lesson or two, but for which, as im telling myself, i will always try my best to overcome.

with each other, we have made a realistic, and necessary intention clear.
Vivo (1st March 2008, at the Rooftop) : "i want u to make me a better khalifah, and ill make u better muslimah... together, we'll make each other a better person in His Eyes... insyallah",
cause at the end of the day, the ultimate reason why two beings unite, complement and love each other is for Him, and not solely for the gratification of those two beings.

any-ol-hoots, as far as i noe rite now,

i love her.
.
.
@>/--

leap.years

2008-03-02T21:07:00.002+08:00

"wifey..."

"alahai..."

saturday.
only our 2nd real date.
1) had dinner/lunch at The Chicken Rice Shop. ( i think)
2) searched/recced for a bag. for hers. and mine. and also a gift for Afiq. she got hers. i havent got mine. nor the gift. (im fussy, some of u should know)
3) watched The Leap Years at Vivocity. (pronounced as Bibocity)
4) enjoyed each other's company at the rooftop, before we ended the night.

:)
i.love.you.
always.

@>/--

burnt.rubber

2008-03-02T11:10:00.003+08:00

ignition key in.
enough revving up the engine.
its time to push the pedal.
NOS it.

the others are halfway to the finishing line already.

speed.
finesse.
composure.

its do.
or die.

and theres no stopping.

burn baby... BURN!

slow.mo

2008-02-26T23:33:00.002+08:00

he was limping, hinted with that extra bit determination.
his big toe was neatly bandaged.

"so bro, life is forcing u to see the things around u in slow-mo eh?"

"im used to it man... unlike the majority of people who get caught up with things... u noe what i mean..."

i smiled. so there are people around who are able to get out from their dour conventional consciousness, and managed to take a step back and soak in the world, as it is.

go on...

observe the birds... the trees... the leaves that adorn them...

or even the clouds, and the wind...

sooner or later, ull find that extra bit of conviction of how the Big guy upstairs has so much variation and diversity running around this place we call Earth.

His Creations, and His Designs... truly transcend limits.

:)

honey.filled

2008-02-24T20:51:00.005+08:00

just for the fact that i could see she trying her best to console me and make me feel better, is enough to etch out a smile from my "comel" (she says!) face. heheh. :P

any ol hoos, im waiting to see where my current mood swinging session will bring me.

and yeah.

i love you.
with all my heart.
:)

against.me

2008-02-24T19:13:00.003+08:00

some time ago in the not-so-distant past

i miss her.
i miss the gang.

i am indeed feeling fucked up.

super sunday? urgh. stupid sunday seems more like it.
:(

what.good.is.a.heart

2008-02-24T16:37:00.001+08:00

I told you how I felt,
I told you what it meant,
But I still havent changed your mind,
I know that youre afraid,
Youre frightened of the pain,
But you can let down your guard...

Cause when we run, when we hide,
We deny whats inside...

(Chorus)
What good is a heart if youre not gonna use it,
What good is a love if youre too scared to choose it,
If youre heart is beating, then its for a reason, girl,
If youre not willing to start, what good is a heart?

Dont make the same mistake that people often make,
And miss out on a chance for love,
Youve got to make your move, youve got to make it soon,
Cause youre dying inside...

Yes, Im a man, but I cry,
I have fears, I wont lie...

(Chorus)

Come on, babe, you know it, girl,
Anyone who looks can see that Im right,
Theres a chance here, we could take it,
Or regret it for the rest of our lives...

(Chorus)

Those good ol' boyband days.
Aah.

ungloved.one

2008-02-24T09:33:00.003+08:00

imagine this scene.

a distinctly self-identifiable songkok-wearing Malay man (my father) supporting a drunk Tamil punk who apparently had his head hit on the pavement while presumably walking home from a drinking session. His friends, all Tamil, were shouting and saying nonsense, which clearly had nothing to do with the emergency situation facing them. one, even had the audacity to tell my mom off in Malay, that everything is okay.

because my father had already taken charge of the situation, i willingly stood back, sharply observing, for signs to show that he has his pulse on at least. and also the last time i was involved with a bleeding person, my hands were all covered in blood. without knowing if the bugger has anything in his blood. so, somehow this time round, im quite glad im not handling the victim.

thank god, the ambulance came promptly. by then, a crowd had gathered wanting to have a slice of the action.

without even me realising it, perhaps subconsciously fancyin myself as a shepherd dog, i barked to the whole group to back off and let the medics do their work.

yesterday's night incident told me that perhaps it would be wise to enact a law requiring all medic-trained individuals to carry around a pair of those medical gloves wherever they go so in case of any emergency, they can just slip on those gloves and starting on their Airway-Breath-Circulation drill without any reluctance or hesitation due to a fear of contracting any blood-borne diseases.

it could just save a life.

blue/red.pill

2008-02-23T23:20:00.003+08:00

my emotive behavior took a couple of swings lately.
swinging not up and down, but, down, and further down, and a couple of corkscrews maneuvers to add to that.
so do imagine.
i am already barely grasping the things that had happened.
understanding of one's self is hard work, i finally figured.
and i thought i am an open book, like how someone would always used to say.

problem is, now the book is closed, and has decided to remain shut.
locked and sealed in the dungeon vault.

for even i cant read it even if i wanted to.

no mortal can save me now.

perhaps this is one of those times that the Big Guy upstairs has decided to really wake me up from the slumbers and enjoyment this world has to offer.

do i want to keep on downing those blue pills,

or would i finally want to know what the red pill can offer?

whichever the answer, as simplistic as this might sound, to sum it all up, im tired.

:(

the.test

2008-02-23T08:17:00.003+08:00

while my thoughts were wandering aimlessly into oblivion,
at the corner of my eye, i saw a figure walking in my direction.

initially, i could only make out her silhouette.
i couldn't see her eyes.
yet, i feel them transfixed on me.

step by step, slowly, she moved. in rhythm with the gentle breeze that passed by.

a scant non-worded whisper told me to be ready.
somehow, i knew that the figure was walking at me. towards me.

even though her path was along my path which im on.
even though she could just be heading towards the bustop.

its an old lady. a tudung-clad one.
she spoke to me. i listened to her woes a few hours earlier.
her face was tinted with a smile all the while.
she wanted money. i couldn't find it inside in a perhaps already too-cold, too apathetic consciousness to give. the bus came. i took my leave, leaving her as she was, just like that.

perhaps, i found her story suspicious. perhaps, thats why my heart was never opened to give in the first place.

but she could be telling me the truth. aah, but it does not matter now, does it?

the point of contention is, i was tested.

could that have been a creation of God just for that particular moment to test my character. but He should already know. why would He wanna test me still?

urgh.

Khairi... Khairi...

u failed the test.

:(

euphoria.pic

2008-02-20T11:28:00.003+08:00

Euphoria : n. A feeling of great happiness or well-being.

real.love.2?

2008-02-12T08:09:00.000+08:00

"the truth is out there."
there is not one fixed truth to a particular thing or abstract idea.
or, even perhaps, feelings.
its not a given feature in our existence, and thus, it is moldable. yes. play-doh-ish.
things can only be as real as to how far youre willing to make it to be. and that certainly includes love.

unlike the facts of the physical sciences, or even maths, the rest of "unseen knowledge" as we know it, depends so much only by what we experience ourselves.
by what we touch, taste, hear, smell, and see/read, and any prior life experience.
bitter, or sweet.
your sceptism or cynicsm today may only be a reflection of a past unenjoyable experience. ;)
which may not necessarily happen to anyone else.

thus, there is not one similar experience or reality encountered by any two of us.
fact of the matter is, your belief that does not necessarily reflect on others. really.
your belief only applies to you. only you.

i have my own beliefs about things.
they may not be the any one of the truths others may claim to be possessing,
but i clearly stand by them wholeheartedly and dearly.

to the third party, what i may be undergoing may seem delusional. or even, a waste of time.
but what matters is that i myself think that the course of action im taking is right. and i have no other intent other than to make myself happy, and be a better person in His Eyes.

love for me right now, is between me and the Big Guy Upstairs, my family and friends, and her, My Puspawangi.

again, i may not see the future of where anything can lead to, heck, i dont think anyone can, unless they have links with God or sumthing, but im certainly not begging for anyone's blessings.

the blessing of a mortal. how useful can that be?
just a form of support and assurance?
even if that is possessed, does that mean, nothing wont go wrong? hell no of coz.

internet age or not, Love, as a the purest form of feeling that a human can ever produce towards another, is still retaining its simplicity and innocence.

there may not be many examples running around. but look closer, it is still all around. even inside you, if u decide to embrace it.

Love. its as real as how you can make it out to be.

;)